Herald to sponsor candidate in Brent East by-election

The Herald candidate's priorities will be War, War, War. More resources will be found for bombing poor countries overseas, by selling off the NHS. We will also squeeze the council tax payers till their pips squeak to extract more money for the millions of beaureaucrats needed to measure the straightness of bananas and stop people parking in convenient spaces. We will ensure that most teachers are leaving the profession so that more money can be devoted to rises for MPs and huge pensions for defeated candidates at the next election, as well as pensions for life for ministers caught out in lies and financial fraud. We will encourage big business to invest in salaries for us as non-executive directors so that they can replace natural plants with sterile, proprietary variants, and encourage people to consider themselves ill and dependent on lifelong medications and other such innovative money-spinning schemes. We will give pensioners awards of the order of 75p so that we can give export grants for arms companies to flood the developing world with weapons, shackles, stun-guns etc in order to ensure that they are completely enervated and unable to get off their knees. We will guarantee to smirk and purr with satisfaction at our achievement of power, our ability to buy expensive wallpaper at £200 a roll, and we will also guarantee everyone we know a position of power in the legal system, so that when the time comes we can tell them what their verdicts in cases and inquiries should be. We will dispense with items such as a workable rail service, and instead invest in sending 45,000 troops, the entire navy and air force to Arabia to re-enact pageants and massacres from history on behalf of the Americans who desperately need our help in this their hour of bankruptcy. Remember the Falklands, after all, they nearly helped us that time - and they nearly didn't put import tariffs on our steel, and they nearly didn't pull out of the climate change treaty, and they nearly were about to support international justice via the ICC, if only for other countries. Considering all those things they nearly did, we believe that this country owes them every last penny we can scrape from our unduly sybaritic lifestyles in estates up and down the land to help them with their campaign of reprisals around the world. If we play our cards right, they might even still agree to base their nuclear defences here on the island of Britain - what a privilege! If you vote for the Herald candidate, you can be sure that the honour of having B52s loaded up with Cruise missiles and flying from runways here to destinations all over the world will not be jeopardised. That's what you will get if you vote for the Herald candidate.

Oh wait, there's no need. One of the candidates already offers the same commitments. Phew! We've saved our deposit.