Herald: Welcome, God, and thank you for honouring our
very small blog, the last place I would have expected, with your first
interview.
God: Not at all. As I think I said before, “The
last shall be first.”
Herald: Haha. I like that.
God: I know.
Showing posts with label Bob Harmless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bob Harmless. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Tuesday, December 08, 2015
Conversations with the first alien scout
"Ni hao? Hola? Hello?"
"Wotcha."
"Hmm. Wie geht's? Pryvet?"
"Yewoh?"
"Shalom?"
"Wos yer game!?"
"What is your energy source?"
"We eat stuff."
"Okaaay. Crude. How long do you live?"
"About 80 years."
"What!? Are you serious?"
"'fraid so."
"Is there a waste output resulting from this 'eating'? I'd like to see it."
"No you wouldn't."
"I like what you've done with that star."
"We didn't do anything, it was like that."
"We don't have a planet of our own."
"Oh yeh?"
"Did you notice you have a loose roof tile there?"
Bob Harmless
"Wotcha."
"Hmm. Wie geht's? Pryvet?"
"Yewoh?"
"Shalom?"
"Wos yer game!?"
"What is your energy source?"
"We eat stuff."
"Okaaay. Crude. How long do you live?"
"About 80 years."
"What!? Are you serious?"
"'fraid so."
"Is there a waste output resulting from this 'eating'? I'd like to see it."
"No you wouldn't."
"I like what you've done with that star."
"We didn't do anything, it was like that."
"We don't have a planet of our own."
"Oh yeh?"
"Did you notice you have a loose roof tile there?"
Bob Harmless
Monday, November 16, 2015
A dog's dictionary
Ah-ah!
I'm not really going to hit you.
Bad!
You are the lowest, most despicable creature on the face of the earth.
Coochycoo
I'm lonely.
Down!
Well done, impressive, keep it up!
Ew!
Congratulations, you really stink!
Fox
A free dog
Garden
Small poo field
House
Emergency poo field
Park
Huge poo field
Sic!
Thus!
Thattaboy
I love you.
Tsk
Creep slowly away.
Walkies
We're going for a holiday right now!
Bob Harmless
I'm not really going to hit you.
Bad!
You are the lowest, most despicable creature on the face of the earth.
Coochycoo
I'm lonely.
Down!
Well done, impressive, keep it up!
Ew!
Congratulations, you really stink!
Fox
A free dog
Garden
Small poo field
House
Emergency poo field
Park
Huge poo field
Sic!
Thus!
Thattaboy
I love you.
Tsk
Creep slowly away.
Walkies
We're going for a holiday right now!
Bob Harmless
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
An Audience With - Count Arthur Strong
BBC iPlayer - Count Arthur Strong's Radio Show!: Series 4: An Audience With
I really think he's overdone himself this time, he's exceeded himself, if it were even possible for such a thing as what I just said. Listen how his masterclass on crime writing takes the audience from nought to asphyxia in about 20 seconds. He reminds me very much of the great Seán McGobaloon, raconteur and co-founder of the Bunch of Grapes Theatre together with the legendary Wilton Hardwicke.
Bob Harmless
I really think he's overdone himself this time, he's exceeded himself, if it were even possible for such a thing as what I just said. Listen how his masterclass on crime writing takes the audience from nought to asphyxia in about 20 seconds. He reminds me very much of the great Seán McGobaloon, raconteur and co-founder of the Bunch of Grapes Theatre together with the legendary Wilton Hardwicke.
Bob Harmless
Saturday, September 27, 2008
What the papers say
with Russell Brand
1. The Sun. Russell Brand reviewing the ant-brained Sun newspaper for the Secret Policeman's Ball. (Via)
2. The Daily Star. Review of a complete fabrication, baroque in its detail. Brand is up there with the best of them, a sort of cross between Max Wall and Kenneth Williams.
Bob Harmless
1. The Sun. Russell Brand reviewing the ant-brained Sun newspaper for the Secret Policeman's Ball. (Via)
2. The Daily Star. Review of a complete fabrication, baroque in its detail. Brand is up there with the best of them, a sort of cross between Max Wall and Kenneth Williams.
Bob Harmless
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Filipino joke
For all our balikbayan readers
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assemble in a large room. One candidate is Mario Dimaculangan.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try.'
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than 500 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I never managed anybody myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
So Bill Gates says, 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat! Go on then, let's hear you have a conversation together in Serbo-Croat.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Ano ba yan, Dong?'*
The other candidate answers, 'Ewan ko, Pare.' **
Bob Harmless
* "What is that?".
** "I don't know, mate."
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assemble in a large room. One candidate is Mario Dimaculangan.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try.'
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than 500 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I never managed anybody myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.
Mario says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
So Bill Gates says, 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat! Go on then, let's hear you have a conversation together in Serbo-Croat.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, `Ano ba yan, Dong?'*
The other candidate answers, 'Ewan ko, Pare.' **
Bob Harmless
* "What is that?".
** "I don't know, mate."
Monday, September 24, 2007
Bob's your uncle: 1. Opera
Great new series!
I'm not saying Paddy O'Toole knows nothing about opera, but he thought "Donna non vidi mai" meant "Woman don't give me the clap."
Bob Harmless
I'm not saying Paddy O'Toole knows nothing about opera, but he thought "Donna non vidi mai" meant "Woman don't give me the clap."
Bob Harmless
Friday, February 24, 2006
Introducing Bob Harmless
Fun for all and no smut
Did you hear the one about the new comedian? No? That's funny.
Seriously though, the stand-up comedian Bob Harmless will soon be entertaining us with his wholesome jokes and funny incidents. Bob says, if you have any funny incidents or jokes about string etc. please send them in, the more the merrier!
"You'll forget yourself with Bob Harmless"
Did you hear the one about the new comedian? No? That's funny.
Seriously though, the stand-up comedian Bob Harmless will soon be entertaining us with his wholesome jokes and funny incidents. Bob says, if you have any funny incidents or jokes about string etc. please send them in, the more the merrier!
"You'll forget yourself with Bob Harmless"
Thursday, November 27, 2003
The dog lists
Words that dogs can understand:
their own names
yumyum
anything that sounds like eating
fetch
chicken
sausages
seize him
rats
go
no
fox
whosit
whodatdere
sit
over
up
down
stay
walkies
wa
w
Words that dogs have difficulty with:
maybe
never
why
Things that dogs like to chase:
cats
pigeons
bicycles
tennis balls
sticks
just about everything
Things that dogs like to go down:
holes
Things that dogs like to sniff:
bottoms
Things that dogs hate the sound of:
fireworks
schoolchildren en masse
Things that dogs distrust:
postmen
shadows that move
Things that dogs really love:
sunbeams
nubile visitors
Things that dogs find fascinating:
farts
shopping bags
the other side of walls
Bob Harmless
their own names
yumyum
anything that sounds like eating
fetch
chicken
sausages
seize him
rats
go
no
fox
whosit
whodatdere
sit
over
up
down
stay
walkies
wa
w
Words that dogs have difficulty with:
maybe
never
why
Things that dogs like to chase:
cats
pigeons
bicycles
tennis balls
sticks
just about everything
Things that dogs like to go down:
holes
Things that dogs like to sniff:
bottoms
Things that dogs hate the sound of:
fireworks
schoolchildren en masse
Things that dogs distrust:
postmen
shadows that move
Things that dogs really love:
sunbeams
nubile visitors
Things that dogs find fascinating:
farts
shopping bags
the other side of walls
Bob Harmless
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