What's in your stars

If your birthday is today:
With the moon in Pluto, and a favourable aspect to Jupiter all the signs are that you will find your long lost pencil down the back of the sofa. On the financial scene, it looks like you're in for a bumpy ride. Hold tight, ding ding, and you'll get there in the end. With your inborn tenacity and your brilliant mind you will finally resolve issues that have been perplexing you from an early age. Lucky colour: magenta. Lucky musical instrument: swanee whistle.

Aries March 21-April 19
As usual the ogres in work have been giving you the screaming habdabs. But never fear you will get your own back when the business goes bankrupt and you get a nice new job, but they suffer a nervous breakdown. Your lucky Danish pastry is apricot.

Taurus April 20-May 20
The bull is feeling exceptionally randy this week. Any target will do, as long as it's mammalian and preferably breathing. But think carefully before making a pass at the boss's daughter. For one thing, you might be a woman. If you are not sure, seek help. Lucky ornaments: Wedgwood.

Gemini May 21-June 21
Never allow yourself to be cajoled into doing something you don't want to do. If cake decorating just isn't your scene, don't let your boyfriend browbeat you into doing it. If you are not a woman, the latter sentence does not apply to you. If you are in your late nineties, please send us a message from the next life, and I will report it to our readers. Lucky bloodsport: MP baiting.

Cancer June 22-July 22
What was your partner thinking when he / she insisted on getting their hair dyed? It's too late now to stop them, but consider if a Sinead O'Connor look might not be preferable. Alternatively they could dye it another colour, but be warned it often comes out purple. Your lucky dynasty this week is the Grimaldis.

Leo July 23-August 22
You have been off your food lately. Raw meat is perhaps not what you would think of, but that is what you need. If you prefer, think of it as steak tartare. Otherwise you will be saying ta-ta to this mortal coil. If you are a vegetarian, consider repenting. It's no good worrying about animal welfare, after all they'd eat us if they could. Lucky charm: anchor.

Virgo August 23-September 22
You are the best of the zodiac signs and a lovely lot of chaps (and chapesses.) You seldom, if ever, make a mistake and when you do it's one that just reflects credit on you for your insouciance or open-handedness. Most gifted of all the star signs, you are wont to write horoscopes or rise to other great heights. This week will be exceptionally trying for you as you confront the fact that most people are not neat and methodical like you, but rather a slovenly bunch of messers. Lucky colour: the colour of your eyes.

Libra September 23-October 22
A delightful surprise awaits you when you get home. If you have a cat, it may have had kittens. If a puppy, it may have actually used the newspaper you put down. If you are married, your spouse may have prepared a surprise romantic dinner for three. If you have only one day to live, you might die laughing. Try to do random acts of kindness in the high street, and see how far it gets you. You have read enough now.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your car will breakdown, unless you are a bus user. It will be the camshaft or something technical like ball bearings. Alternatively if you use public transport, you should be safe enough today - no terrorist attacks are predicted. Lucky fabric: kevlar.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21
There is no easy way to put this. Simply stay in bed this week. Do not under any circumstances leave your house, or contact anybody. Remain silent until you read next week's stars, when I will give you further instructions. You have no lucky items this week.

Capricorn December 22-January 19
Nobody loves a smart-ass. Where do you get off with your fake moon landings and your la-di-da accent? Make a decision now to keep quiet and not to interfere in matters of any importance. The world is not meant for you, you are only here by mistake. Next week you might be okay again. Watch this column for further announcements. I'm not telling you what your lucky item is.

Aquarius January 20-February 18
Whichever horse you pick will come in second in the 2:30 at Newmaket. Bet all the money you can raise on it, each way. If possible, remortgage your house or embezzle the stake money in such a way that you can put it back after the race. If you win remember to send me a percentage. Lucky percentage: 51.

Pisces February 19-March 20
Brisk circuit training, jumping jacks, aerobics, swimming, weight lifting and dancing are not recommended this week. Stick to reading, knitting or cricket until Uranus passes through Jupiter. Though the tea-lady gives you the eye, remember she is your Aunt Fanny. Gold is your lucky investment this week.


Mystic Mavis