Letters*

The Beast of Willesden

I have recently read of the pain expressed by the good denizens of your local area - Willieburgers, apparently [Letters my be edited. Ed.] - in relation to creatures unknown raiding bird tables.

During a recent trip to the USA, I was invited to a most instructive demonstration by my colonial relatives of a squirrel-proof bird feeder. It seems my relatives' clever countrymen have come up with something both effective, educational and entertaining: The Yankee Flipper. I realise that there is some evidence for The Beast being a rodent of some description, and after extensive research have deduced that one of the most likely culprits would be the Grey Squirrel, or Sciurus carolinensis. I realise that this may be a controversial standpoint, and will be publishing my findings soon to, no doubt, the amazed gasps of the watching world.

The product alluded to above has an electrically-galvanised disk hanging underneath the main body of the bird-feeder which, when a squirrel alights, spins round and flips the fiendish culprit off into the bushes. My relatives had one, and many balmy evenings were spent with a cool and refreshing Bud Light in hand enjoying the sight of squirrels flying into bushes, walls and the road, the soft thud of enraged little bodies complimenting the sweet evensong of the neighbourhood's birds.

The promotional moving picture on the Interweb page of The Droll Yankees, purveyors of quality products to the rodentally-abused, is an amusing demonstration of the article in action: Yankee Flipper.

Of course, if your Beast turns out to be a Three-Toed Sloth, which would seem to be the other likely candidate, then it may be possible to request this product in a slightly larger size.

Good luck, and good hunting.

Justine Kilkerr

*This letter wins the second Dr Watson memorial prize of 2003 for brilliantly connecting the bird food thief with the Beast of Willesden. I will pass this tip to the inappropriate authorities. Ed.