A proposal to remedy the plague of crime and prisons

Letters

It is well known that the crime rate has been rising by about 5% per year for a hundred years. As a result there exists a state of approximately 100% crime at this present day. In effect everybody in this country is in the process of committing a crime all of the time.

You might wonder how it is possible for normal life to continue when everyone is in the process of committing a crime. The reason becomes clear when long crimes such as parking illegally all day, or watching television without a licence, say, are taken into account. More villainous offences can be "long crimes" too, such as persistent jaywalking or driving an unroadworthy car.

In short, normal life proceeds without any apparent difficulty but all the while every citizen in the land is in breach of some regulation or another. That is to say nothing of felons imported into the country, usually by unlawful means, who only add to the number of criminals walking our streets.

The police are fully occupied with writing up details of crimes reported to them. In fact they might just as well try, as children do on beaches, to empty the sea by taking buckets of water (without a licence) and emptying them into holes made in the sand (without planning permission.)

At the same time it has been well documented that large numbers of apparently innocent people have been incarcerated illegally - another crime - before being released and colluding in extorting money from the government to compensate them for what they never did, and for their illegal sojourn at the expense of the state.

It has often been observed that legalising this, that and everything would reduce the crime rate to zero at a stroke. Right - but wrong. Simple - but complicated. Effective - but ineffective. True - but false. No right-minded person would want to legalise murder, parking on yellow lines, being without visible means of support, rape, begging, armed robbery, tv licence evasion etc etc.

The solution is as sensible as its "legalise everything" counterpart is ludicrous. When you hear it you will say, "But we knew all along; it was so simple." Ladies and Gents, I propose that the entire citizenry of the country be sentenced to indefinite imprisonment without trial, and simply allow them all out on parole.

It is self-evident that nobody can ever prove they are innocent of everything; therefore they must be guilty of something at all times. The Good Book itself testifies that even a newborn baby when it shows its offensive face to the world, is already guilty. You needn't trouble yourself worrying about the expense of it; rather the savings will be enormous. Since they are so proven guilty by this ineluctable logic, there will be no further need for courts, lawyers, or any laws at all.

Only politicians and officers of the state will be excused from the new dispensation. Such worthies have to be exempt from the rule in order to enforce it. However, citizens who prove well behaved over a significant number of years, may hope to be promoted to absolute freedom, i.e, State Employment.

I. Draper (Rev.)