God: Not at all. As I think I said before, “The last shall be first.”
Herald: Haha. I like that.
God: I know.
Herald: Okay, I'm going to start with the book, Genesis and so on. Did you dictate it to the writers?
God: Hold it right there. I'm not a dictator.
Herald: No, sorry, I meant...
God: I know what you meant.
Herald: I was...
God: I'll tell you what you meant. Give me a moment. ... You meant "Did I order the writers to write it?"
Herald: No, that's not what I meant.
God: Poo. The brain is gone. I knew but it went by.
Herald: I meant are those your exact words in the Bible?
God: You're kidding, right? I just gave them a theme and they improvised on it. It was like, I hinted that the first people were a mixed bunch, they were in a jungle with lots of fruit but they stumbled on a psychedelic plant and from there things went to pieces, and they thought they knew everything.
Herald: So, from that the writer came up with the whole tree, serpent and all that?
God: Yes, I thought to myself, this writing by suggesting themes is a little hit and miss.
Herald: Why didn't you dictate it word for word?
God: Busy, busy, busy.
Herald: That leads me to another question: Omnipotence. You could have done it easily because you can do anything.
God: Easily, you think? I can do anything but I don't do anything if I don't want to do. I'm God. I can stay in bed for two days if I like. Doing things is not easy.
Herald: Why did you create an insect that burrows into kids' eyes and makes them blind?
God: A whaty? That better be a sick joke.
Herald: Er, no, it’s true - that's a real insect. And there are lots more things like that.
God: One moment.
[Holds up a finger while making a call.]
God: Yeah, it's Me. Can you find out about an insect that burrows into children's eyes, what is it and how can I use it?
[Turns back to Herald.]
God: Sorry, I'll turn this phone off. Do you know when I hear about things like that, I'm sick with guilt and remorse. I wish I'd never started. I'm suicidal.
Herald: Can you try and fix it?
God: What’s the magic word?
Herald: Amen?
God: Yah but sorry, no can do. It's outside the rules I set when I created DNA. I wanted to see how it learned and evolved. It was part of my college thesis.
Herald: Do you mean…? Wait, are there are other gods?
God: Annoyingly, yes. There are other Heralds too, by the way. Get yourself a unique serial number or something to make your moniker unique. That's what I do. Half the time I'm not sure which John Murphy is on the line but it makes little difference, as it happens. I just hold the receiver away from my ear, so to speak, if I’m honest.
Herald: Have you got a unique moniker yourself?
God: Yes, I'm The_God. God_1 was taken.
Herald: When we began, I mentioned how privileged we were to be chosen -
God: Stop! Rephrase that please.
Herald: What I mean is, will this be the start of a new phase? Are you going to get into all the media, especially the "new media"?
God: No. This is the first and only. The first shall be last. Next question.
Herald: Eh-
God: You're going to ask me what I think about “Tweeter,” right?
Herald: Well, sort of, yes.
God: Heheh. It drives people mad when I do that. Or when I say the end of their jokes halfway through.
Herald: I imagine our inbox is bulging with questions people are dying to ask you. Let's see. Yes, this has come up a lot: What is the meaning of life?
God: Doctor Who.
Herald: Sorry?
God: That kills them. Y'know. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Doctor." "Doctor Who?" Try me. I know them all. What's yellow and goes up and down?
Herald: A banana in a lift?
God: You're good! C'mon ask me something a bit more challenging.
Herald: I note you avoided my question about the meaning of life.
God: Oh don't come over all Jeremy Paxman! Ask me about good and evil, for example.
Herald: I'm not a moral philosopher. What? What's funny? For listeners, God has just splurted some coffee through his nose. While we're waiting, please continue to send in your questions.
God: Sorry. Okay, let me have a go at the good/evil thing - NOT. Next question.
Herald: Okay, let me try to probe a bit deeper.
God: Ooh.
Herald: Eh, yeah. It wouldn't make sense to have good with no alternative, really. The smallest good itself would be evil, which would not be good. The smallest good compared to the greatest good would, in effect, be evil. No?
God: You looking at me?
Herald: Then again, perhaps good is a constant, like the speed of light, there's only more or less light.
God: Light is good.
Herald: We don't seem to be getting very far with the heavy-duty questions. Maybe if I aim a little lower...
God: - I'm everywhere after all.
Herald: Well then, what is your favourite music? Do you have a favourite composer, perhaps Mozart or - dunno - Philip Glass.
God: Who he? I'm rather partial to Brian Eno. Have you heard of him? U2, yeh?
Herald: Oh, really? I would have thought Mozart, perhaps. I don't really get that Eno stuff.
God: I just follow it because a lot of people seem to think it's great. I'm not really into music. Tell you what I like, Birdsong.
Herald: Aha! Now you're talking. Now. You. Are. Talking.
God: It's an album in the "Now That's What I Call Relaxation" series.
Herald: Okayyy. I see your P.R. man is gesturing for you to wrap it up here.
P.R. Man: Grazie!
Herald: Okay, cool. Nice robes by the way. So God, we haven’t got very long left –
God: - on this Earth?
Herald: Er, heh, no. Can I just ask, in the early days of religion there were memes like "List ten things you really mustn't do" or "What are the seven worst character traits?" but lately there hasn’t been much structure to things.
God: I hear you. It’s all icons and cat worship. What ever happened to “1,000 foods you should never mix”? But we have wars now, people fighting over me. It’s all got a bit heavy.
Herald: As we bring this interview to a close, would you mind, do you think you could maybe improvise some new guidance for us? It’s been so long…
God: Not so long: Joe Smith!
Herald: Yes, but…
God: Okay, okay, [beat-boxing],
Chika, boom, chika, boom, tish, tish -
Blessed are the nervous for they shall be nonchalant.
Blessed are the clumsy for they shall make us laugh.
How dat my -?
[Crew and P.R. Man cut in.]
Crew and P.R. Man: Yay!
Herald: That’s a great way to sign off. Thank you, God.
God: Yo.
Interviewer: Bob Harmless. Photos: Onion Mbeke. Sound: Bartell Darcy
Interviewer: Bob Harmless. Photos: Onion Mbeke. Sound: Bartell Darcy
