Robert Mugabe bans the colour red

According to a report in The Independent this week Robert Mugabe has banned the colour red because it is used by Zimbabwe's main opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change. Meanwhile, Britain prepares for a rare state visit....

Remember, guys. Don't roll out that colour carpet. And only serve white wine. Certain humanitarian organisations will temporarily be known as the White Cross, and the White Crescent. It's a ridiculous idea. Enough to make you see ... er. Well, enough to make you think it's part of Comic Relief or something. By the way, don't call it a certain colour nose day, okay?

We want blondes and brunettes only here at the reception. No leggy r - ginger mingers. And I see you've been up all night rearranging the Union Jacks to green, white and blue. Put that can of R Bull away sharpish. And tell the minders there are orange and yellow alerts only.

There'll be no flypast by those colour Arrows. Best make sure he doesn't see the sunset either. Can't risk a Shepherd's delight. Don't put the footie on telly in his hotel. He can't risk seeing Liverpool or Man U play, or seeing the ref sending anyone off. We don't want him catching any of that comic sci-fi series with the certain colour dwarf either. And no CDs by the Chilis, okay? Grey squirrels only in Hyde Park, please. Oh, there already are. So that shouldn't be a problem.

It doesn't matter that it clashes with the Labour Conference. Most of them don't know the words for keeping the certain coloured flag flying here anyway, and they were thinking of dropping the rose. But I think to err on the side of caution, we'd best tell Ken Livingstone to keep out of sight...
 
Shona Mckensie