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Thursday, February 10, 2005
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Worst case rugby scrum injury
Fan Hacks Off Testicles
"Geoff Huish was so convinced England would beat the Welsh he told mates: 'If Wales win I'll cut my balls off.'"
As a serious publication, we don't usually cover the stories in the general category 'Bizarre' but this poor guy must've felt really hacked off over his defeatist prediction.
"Geoff Huish was so convinced England would beat the Welsh he told mates: 'If Wales win I'll cut my balls off.'"
As a serious publication, we don't usually cover the stories in the general category 'Bizarre' but this poor guy must've felt really hacked off over his defeatist prediction.
Blair rules out air fuel tax
Guardian Online
Aviation fuel - kerosene - is unique in being tax free. Environmentalists claim the exemption deprives the government of around £7bn a year and breaches its own 'polluter pays' principle.
"I do not think you're going to have any political consensus for saying we're going to slap some huge tax on cheap air travel."
He doesn't give a damn.
Zoz
Aviation fuel - kerosene - is unique in being tax free. Environmentalists claim the exemption deprives the government of around £7bn a year and breaches its own 'polluter pays' principle.
"I do not think you're going to have any political consensus for saying we're going to slap some huge tax on cheap air travel."
He doesn't give a damn.
Zoz
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Free range / organic eggs? Are they flock
The Independent Online Edition
"The vast majority of egg-laying birds (pullets), destined to produce organic eggs, spend up to 18 weeks - nearly the first half of their productive lives - being fed non-organic food in the same indoor conditions as hens destined for other uses. It is only after a transfer process of six weeks, during which the pullets are moved to a laying farm with access to the outdoors and fed an organic diet, that the eggs can be classified as organic."
Farming sucks.
Zoz
"The vast majority of egg-laying birds (pullets), destined to produce organic eggs, spend up to 18 weeks - nearly the first half of their productive lives - being fed non-organic food in the same indoor conditions as hens destined for other uses. It is only after a transfer process of six weeks, during which the pullets are moved to a laying farm with access to the outdoors and fed an organic diet, that the eggs can be classified as organic."
Farming sucks.
Zoz
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Gravitas - the party of Now
Sources close to Feargal Mooney have told the Willesden Herald that he is planning to stand again at the imminent General Election. He has been elected leader of his own party Gravitas - the party of Now. Mooney was encouraged by his excellent showing in the Brent East by-election of 2003, where his write-in results were discounted as spoiled votes, but noted by spread-betting experts. The Herald has agreed to help him formulate his policies, using our combined centuries of experience with being right about just about everything. Some of Gravitas's main planks are likely to be:
- A jubilee amnesty for all personal debt every 50 years, to be backdated to 2000
- Legalise all drugs for sale through pharmacies
- Legalise prostitution in licensed brothels
- An amnesty for all convicts incarcerated for victimless crimes
- Withdrawal from NATO and a policy of neutrality and self-defence only
- Withdrawal from the Common Fisheries Policy and exclusion of all foreign fishing boats for 200 miles. Strictly managed fishing within that.
- Abolition of the monarchy
- Abolition of the House of Lords and replacement with a Senate similar to the Irish one
- Disestablishment of the Church of England
- Adoption of a modern written constitution
- A bee-sting President whose only powers are to approve laws or resign, forcing an election
- An end to all immigration controls
- No choice of school, use your nearest with a place available
- Medical care only within the NHS, ban private medicine
- Join the Eurozone, no referendum
- Maximum two terms for Prime Ministers
- 50% income tax on all income over £20,000, and zero below that
- Abolition of the Council Tax and replacement with an automatic levy on Income Tax.
- Four free tickets per person per day for use on bus or rail, non-transferable
- Whatever else we think of
We have already made a contribution to the manifesto by talking Feargal out of licensing shoulder-launched ground-to-ground missiles for use against cars with loud sound systems, and out of allowing a plea of Justifiable Homicide in the case of murder of tailgaters.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
I'll tell my Dad and then you'll be sorry
Scotland's Homer comes back into literary fold
"'Now we know not to think of Homer as the inspired bard. Homer was a committee just as much as Ossian was a committee,' she said."
I'm a human being, not a committee. And I didn't spend hundreds of years in Tir na n'Og, not to mention chatting with St Patrick, to be called a Scottish fraud.
Ossian
"'Now we know not to think of Homer as the inspired bard. Homer was a committee just as much as Ossian was a committee,' she said."
I'm a human being, not a committee. And I didn't spend hundreds of years in Tir na n'Og, not to mention chatting with St Patrick, to be called a Scottish fraud.
Ossian
Read all about it
An abridged excerpt from "Gerry Boysey's Human Circus" appears in the Spring edition of readallaboutit, Brent Library Service's free magazine, available from today. It's a taster for an anthology to celebrate ten years of the Willesden writers workshop, which will contain the complete piece. I'm guessing whoever chose the illustration hadn't read the text.
Ossian
Ossian
Monday, January 31, 2005
Israelis use barrier and 55-year-old law to quietly seize Palestinians' land
Guardian Unlimited | Special reports
"The Israeli government has quietly seized thousands of acres of Palestinian-owned land in and around east Jerusalem after a secret cabinet decision to use a 55-year-old law against Arabs separated from farms and orchards by the vast 'security barrier'."
Zoz
"The Israeli government has quietly seized thousands of acres of Palestinian-owned land in and around east Jerusalem after a secret cabinet decision to use a 55-year-old law against Arabs separated from farms and orchards by the vast 'security barrier'."
Zoz
Friday, January 28, 2005
BBC / Dom Joly / pain in the arse
I agree with what John Harris said on Newsnight Review a couple of weeks ago, to the effect that there is a culture of ill-will in Britain, that it's the fashion to be hateful to everyone and everything. He said it on the BBC. But the BBC is also responsible for the cringeworthy and depressing Dom Joly on "World Shut Your Mouth." I couldn't believe my eyes and ears last week when the "funny" intro before the titles to his program was this:
Egypt, wide view of road with massive pyramids in the middle distance. An old local is standing by a parapet minding his own business when character in Arab dress* approaches and says, 'So that's the great pyramid of Cheops, is it?'
'Yes,' says the man.
'That's shit,' says the character and walks away. Cut to titles.
I ask you, is that your idea of fun?
*Not sure if staged, or just a false voiceover on an unrelated video. No less dire, either way.
Zoz
Egypt, wide view of road with massive pyramids in the middle distance. An old local is standing by a parapet minding his own business when character in Arab dress* approaches and says, 'So that's the great pyramid of Cheops, is it?'
'Yes,' says the man.
'That's shit,' says the character and walks away. Cut to titles.
I ask you, is that your idea of fun?
*Not sure if staged, or just a false voiceover on an unrelated video. No less dire, either way.
Zoz
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Sunday, January 23, 2005
writeThis latest edition
fishdrinklikeus
"we want interviews people. interview somebody and submit it to us. somebody like abe vigoda."
More gooder than whenever.
Ossian
"we want interviews people. interview somebody and submit it to us. somebody like abe vigoda."
More gooder than whenever.
Ossian
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Ron "Pretty Boy" Atkinson on beauty
Sky News : Big Ron Atkinson In New Race Row
"... after telling the audience: 'The Chinese people have the best contraception in the world - but I can't understand why there's so many of them because their women are so ugly.'"
Look at the picture.
"... after telling the audience: 'The Chinese people have the best contraception in the world - but I can't understand why there's so many of them because their women are so ugly.'"
Look at the picture.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Vote for the best stories of 2004
storySouth / best online fiction award
This is a valiant effort to raise the "profile" / status of online fiction. If you enjoyed something you read online in 2004, why not follow the link and nominate it for the award.
Ossian
This is a valiant effort to raise the "profile" / status of online fiction. If you enjoyed something you read online in 2004, why not follow the link and nominate it for the award.
Ossian
Thursday, January 20, 2005
New Labour: robbing the poor to give to the rich
As you tie another millstone of credit card debt around your neck to pay your self-employed tax return this January, just remember it's going to the cause of keeping up the lifestyles of limo-driving, golfcourse shmoozing, coupon-clipping, golden welcomed / parachuted / handshaked parasitic wheeler-dealers who never produced one useful object, or one honest day's work, and to perpetuating the bloated, somnolent, gluttonous, bone-idle, bloody-minded, incompetent, ignorant and self-satisfied bureaucracy that comprises the state. Is there a life before death? Not for you. Welcome to the Private Finance Initiative, welcome to Bushworld, welcome to modern wage-slavery.
Zoz
Zoz
Children are not citizens?
Citizenship ceremonies at 18
"The details of the ceremony for 18-year-olds, to be held on a trial basis initially, will be drawn up over the next nine months. It may be modelled on Affirmation Ceremonies in Australia, where existing citizens can take a pledge of allegiance."
The dream team is going into REM state; Charles Clarke has just mumbled this new delirium. John Prescott is making little shadow boxing movements; Tony Blair is panting in a miniature version of breathlessness, and whimpering 'Work them hard.'
"The details of the ceremony for 18-year-olds, to be held on a trial basis initially, will be drawn up over the next nine months. It may be modelled on Affirmation Ceremonies in Australia, where existing citizens can take a pledge of allegiance."
The dream team is going into REM state; Charles Clarke has just mumbled this new delirium. John Prescott is making little shadow boxing movements; Tony Blair is panting in a miniature version of breathlessness, and whimpering 'Work them hard.'
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Teenage short story prize
The perfect lie
"In this new short story, DBC Pierre, the Booker prize-winner, introduces our fifth Guardian/Piccadilly Press competition to find the best teenage writing talent in the UK and Ireland. The winning entries will appear in a book to be published next year."
Ossian
"In this new short story, DBC Pierre, the Booker prize-winner, introduces our fifth Guardian/Piccadilly Press competition to find the best teenage writing talent in the UK and Ireland. The winning entries will appear in a book to be published next year."
Ossian
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Welcome to the madhouse
Farcical advice of Labour's £50m travel website
"...the government's £50 million journey planner, delivered two years behind schedule, looks like it will just increase the frustration of those determined to stick with public transport. Four years after Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott promised it would revolutionise travel, experts have called the scheme a fiasco.
"Far from guiding travellers along the fastest route from A to B anywhere in Britain, the planner leaves them camping overnight at remote train stations or stranded for hours at bus stops. Routes that should take two hours can end up taking seven times as long."
If you re-elect enough idiots for long enough they will eventually produce the complete works of John Prescott.
"...the government's £50 million journey planner, delivered two years behind schedule, looks like it will just increase the frustration of those determined to stick with public transport. Four years after Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott promised it would revolutionise travel, experts have called the scheme a fiasco.
"Far from guiding travellers along the fastest route from A to B anywhere in Britain, the planner leaves them camping overnight at remote train stations or stranded for hours at bus stops. Routes that should take two hours can end up taking seven times as long."
If you re-elect enough idiots for long enough they will eventually produce the complete works of John Prescott.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Next generation poets
I don't fit the bill but you can find me impostering anyway in Willesden Library Centre at 8 pm on Thursday 20th inst. with other members of the local Writers Workshop. We're supporting readings by poets Catherine Smith and Nick Drake to "celebrate the launch of the Next Generation Poets collection of books."
Ossian
Sunday, January 09, 2005
No comment
The old Squawkbox comments system doesn't work anymore. It was supposed to be a free system, but they started charging for it. It doesn't make sense to use the old system now that Blogger has a built-in comments system for free. I have a backup of the old comments and I will ensure that Simon Moribund uploads and links them when he comes back from his beach holiday in Thailand. (Ed.)
Government in waiting
R. U. Serious is the Official Monster Raving Loony Party "shadow minister for manifestos and cronky caravans." He came sixth out of eleven in the Leicester South by-election last July (with 225 votes, just behind Socialist Labour on 263). He is pictured here campaigning in Brent East for his leader Howlin Laud Hope in 2003.*
* Note the the outline of yet another shooting victim on the pavement. Willesden is the wild west. Ed
Friday, January 07, 2005
Lighting and cursing
I took this picture at a New Year's Eve party. It's just the candle that was on the table in front of me.
Ossian
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Julia Darling's workshop
Click here for full details (Guardian Online)
"[...] Write the instructions for doing something you have no idea about, for example:
How To Fly
How To Disappear (as in Amanda Dalton's lovely poem of that name)
"Or even more specifically:
How To Speak To Lions
How To Start A Revolution
How To Make A Wedding Dress
How To Build a Space Ship
"The only rule is that you don't know how to do the thing, so if you work in rocket science, you can't do the last one. But you could choose something emotional like How To Speak To The Dead, or even How To Fall In Love, because none of us really know the answers to these things. [...]"
Ossian
"[...] Write the instructions for doing something you have no idea about, for example:
How To Fly
How To Disappear (as in Amanda Dalton's lovely poem of that name)
"Or even more specifically:
How To Speak To Lions
How To Start A Revolution
How To Make A Wedding Dress
How To Build a Space Ship
"The only rule is that you don't know how to do the thing, so if you work in rocket science, you can't do the last one. But you could choose something emotional like How To Speak To The Dead, or even How To Fall In Love, because none of us really know the answers to these things. [...]"
Ossian
Science for the Confused - an occasional series
No.2: DNA and Fingerprints
It pains me even to mention how I gouged the top of my thumb on a protruding part of a door latch recently, but I have since observed that the ripped patch has grown back with the same pattern of fingerprints matching exactly the adjoining whorls and ridges. Even identical twins have different fingerprints, though they share the same DNA [Insert plausible looking reference here. Ed]. If DNA determined fingerprints, identical twins would have identical fingerprints. But if not DNA then what is it that determines the pattern of fingerprints and causes them to be recreated exactly the same when damaged? ["From scratch"? Ed.] Perhaps the DNA of identical twins is not identical after all. To determine which of a pair of identical twins committed a crime [Insert reference to "Dark Mirror" here. Ed] it would be necessary to adduce not only DNA but fingerprints. [Mention Iris Patterns here. Ed] [I am not familiar with her. Or did you mean "Irish patterns"? Kronk]
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Professor Kronk
It pains me even to mention how I gouged the top of my thumb on a protruding part of a door latch recently, but I have since observed that the ripped patch has grown back with the same pattern of fingerprints matching exactly the adjoining whorls and ridges. Even identical twins have different fingerprints, though they share the same DNA [Insert plausible looking reference here. Ed]. If DNA determined fingerprints, identical twins would have identical fingerprints. But if not DNA then what is it that determines the pattern of fingerprints and causes them to be recreated exactly the same when damaged? ["From scratch"? Ed.] Perhaps the DNA of identical twins is not identical after all. To determine which of a pair of identical twins committed a crime [Insert reference to "Dark Mirror" here. Ed] it would be necessary to adduce not only DNA but fingerprints. [Mention Iris Patterns here. Ed] [I am not familiar with her. Or did you mean "Irish patterns"? Kronk]
<< Previous | Next >>
Professor Kronk
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Falconer backs war advice secrecy
Guardian Unlimited Politics Special Reports
"He also said a ministerial veto on the release of sensitive information would be allowed only with full cabinet support. He said he anticipated the veto would rarely be used."
So if they veto publication of legal advice taken before the invasion then you'll know that every single member of the cabinet is complicit. If the advice had been clear on the legality of invading Iraq, you can bet they'd have published it already.
Knock them all out at the election, or so many that they are forced to deal with Charles Kennedy. They deserve a severe humiliation, and I hope they get it. I imagine Blair thinks that Gordon Brown will take over in time only to lose the election after next. Blair's insufferably smug already and the prospect of him smarming about winning again is too nauseating to bear.
Greg Dyke should put on a white suit and run as an independent against Blair. The other parties should give him a clear run.
Zoz
"He also said a ministerial veto on the release of sensitive information would be allowed only with full cabinet support. He said he anticipated the veto would rarely be used."
So if they veto publication of legal advice taken before the invasion then you'll know that every single member of the cabinet is complicit. If the advice had been clear on the legality of invading Iraq, you can bet they'd have published it already.
Knock them all out at the election, or so many that they are forced to deal with Charles Kennedy. They deserve a severe humiliation, and I hope they get it. I imagine Blair thinks that Gordon Brown will take over in time only to lose the election after next. Blair's insufferably smug already and the prospect of him smarming about winning again is too nauseating to bear.
Greg Dyke should put on a white suit and run as an independent against Blair. The other parties should give him a clear run.
Zoz
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