Gravitas - the party of Now

Sources close to Feargal Mooney have told the Willesden Herald that he is planning to stand again at the imminent General Election. He has been elected leader of his own party Gravitas - the party of Now. Mooney was encouraged by his excellent showing in the Brent East by-election of 2003, where his write-in results were discounted as spoiled votes, but noted by spread-betting experts. The Herald has agreed to help him formulate his policies, using our combined centuries of experience with being right about just about everything. Some of Gravitas's main planks are likely to be:

• A jubilee amnesty for all personal debt every 50 years, to be backdated to 2000
• Legalise all drugs for sale through pharmacies
• Legalise prostitution in licensed brothels
• An amnesty for all convicts incarcerated for victimless crimes
• Withdrawal from NATO and a policy of neutrality and self-defence only
• Withdrawal from the Common Fisheries Policy and exclusion of all foreign fishing boats for 200 miles. Strictly managed fishing within that.
• Abolition of the monarchy
• Abolition of the House of Lords and replacement with a Senate similar to the Irish one
• Disestablishment of the Church of England
• Adoption of a modern written constitution
• A bee-sting President whose only powers are to approve laws or resign, forcing an election
• An end to all immigration controls
• No choice of school, use your nearest with a place available
• Medical care only within the NHS, ban private medicine
• Join the Eurozone, no referendum
• Maximum two terms for Prime Ministers
• 50% income tax on all income over £20,000, and zero below that
• Abolition of the Council Tax and replacement with an automatic levy on Income Tax.
• Four free tickets per person per day for use on bus or rail, non-transferable
• Whatever else we think of

We have already made a contribution to the manifesto by talking Feargal out of licensing shoulder-launched ground-to-ground missiles for use against cars with loud sound systems, and out of allowing a plea of Justifiable Homicide in the case of murder of tailgaters.