Text from a transcript of the first phone conversation between Boris Johnson and Leo Varadkar, as leaked to the Willesden Herald.
Boris Johnson: I want to assure you that we will never put physical checks or infrastructure at the border in Ireland after Brexit, Leo. If I may use a metaphor here, British businessmen - and women - will never wear clothes after Brexit, they will go naked, happen what may. The Irish can wear clothes, if they wish.
Leo Varadkar: Won't you be a bit exposed? No pun intended.
BJ: No, seriously! Do as you will. Cows, sheep, linen, pantechnicons - let them fly back and forth. Ramble where you will, we will not be concerned. You may put some obstacles on your side, if you insist but as for the UK, come one come all, as they say. And come as you are. We're naked, as it were, so anything goes.
LV: Ah now Boris, are you pulling my leg?
BJ: Not at all. By the way, Northern Ireland is in the UK, isn't it? You are aware. I think I'm right about that one. I found out the other day that the Isle of Man isn't. Who knew?!
LV: Ah Boris, you're winding me up.
BJ: Of course. Of course. But they do have marvellous kippers in the old I.O.M., Leo.
LV: And Norman Wisdom. And Nigel Mansell.
BJ: Norman is sadly no longer with us. But look Leo, I'll come to the point.
LV: Go on.
BJ: Rejoin the UK and you can have the Isle of Man.
LV: Nah, you're alright.
BJ: But if you do go through with this EU way of negotiating you're going to have your kippers cut off from Britain, old man.
LV: We're not doing anything, Boris. It's you who are leaving. You will have your olives cut off.
BJ: Right, right. Sounds dreadful! You're right, I completely forgot it's we who are leaving. I must tie a string around my finger. You're kicking us out on October 31.
LV: Not at all, Boris, you're welcome to stay. I know some of the winos in Brussels - no names no pack drill - might have said "Here's your hat" but don't mind them.
BJ: It wasn't me, it was Mrs May. They haven't said anything to me yet. It's almost as if they can't wait to be shot of us. This is a big mistake they've made, kicking the UK out of the EU.
LV: Well come over to Dublin and drown your sorrows. We'll talk again. Cheers.