Thursday, August 31, 2006

Juices 'may cut Alzheimer's risk'

Juices 'may cut Alzheimer's risk'

"They found the risk was 76% lower for those who drank juice more than three times a week, compared with those who drank it less than once a week." (BBC News)

This is another one of those "Duh" science stories, like our report about archaeologists breaking skulls with their little hammers and then saying that ancient people used to break each other's skulls.

Isn't it obvious that the people in the study who ended up suffering from Alzheimer's disease have only forgotten about all the fruit juice they drank? Scientists, please check with our Prof. Kronk before publishing results—he'll soon set you right.

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Notting Hill carnival 2006

Pictures

"More than 500,000 people descended on west London for the final day of the Notting Hill carnival." (Skynews)

Say what you like about Rupert the Unbearable, but Skynews always does a pretty good photo feature on the Notting Hill carnival*.

* I like the way you mentioned the Notting Hill Carnival again there, Nick, that'll bring in even more googlable punters looking for "Notting Hill Carnival". Footfall, that's what any shop needs, and never forget this is an online shop. I'm not doing this for the love of it, and I'm sure nobody else here is either. We're still showing turnover of nought point nought million (USD) for the three years to date of the Monster Sale. It's simply not good enough, and that goes for this whole newspaper. Ed

West Lake



Ossian

Monday, August 28, 2006

A short story read by Stephen Hawking

Exclusive

We don't know how he did it, but Steve Moran from the local Spare Monkeys pub quiz team, has acquired a recording of the great Stephen Hawking reading one of his (Steve's) short stories, which we now present for your edification. Panic (5.6 mb, wav)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Not fair

Letters

Dear Mr Ed, I have a complaint and I want to tell the world, please, because it is really bad. Me and my mates always play this game called Night Goggles, where we go and raid the neighbours' gardens and have a bit of a lark with these special goggles we invented. The neighbours' kids shout a bit and run away because we can see them but they can't see us. But now they have copied our goggles and that is against our copyright, isn't it? Please Mr Ed, tell the world because it's really boring now we can't play Night Goggles properly anymore, and they are spoiling everything. It's no fun if the other side has the same goggles.

E., age nine and a half (Name and address supplied)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

You forgot to turn off the gasbag

Tories open nine-point lead as Labour drops to 19-year low

"The fall may be partly caused by Mr Blair's absence on holiday and public unhappiness at the announcement that John Prescott would stand in." (Guardian)

Do you think they should wake Gordon up now?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Lebanon destruction was planned in May

Iran is next

"The US government was closely involved in planning the Israeli campaign in Lebanon, even before Hizbullah seized two Israeli soldiers in a cross border raids in July. American and Israeli officials met in the spring, discussing plans on how to tackle Hizbullah, according to a report published yesterday.

"The veteran investigative journalist Seymour Hersh writes in the current issue of the New Yorker magazine that Israeli government officials travelled to the US in May to share plans for attacking Hizbullah.

"Quoting a US government consultant, Hersh said: 'Earlier this summer ... several Israeli officials visited Washington, separately, 'to get a green light for the bombing operation and to find out how much the United States would bear'.'" (Guardian)

Zoz

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Frizzy Logic - ok?

Letters

What's up with Frizzy Logic? It's one of the best blogs ever and it has been down for the past couple of days.

Concerned, Willesden

Have you seen this man? (Artist's impression)



He is thought to be living somewhere in England. If you have information, please contact PFI Torture (UK) Ltd, c/o 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

D. O'Brien, Oftort

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  • Friday, August 11, 2006

    Keep up the torture, more names needed

    Letters

    Now is the time to resume torturing those people in Pakistan, there's not a minute to lose. Just in case they made up the recent 24, best get another 20 names out of them now, on the precautionary principle. Don't allow a vacuum to develop, be pro-active, that's the key. I well remember how I got the names of Paddy Murphy, Mick Malone, Mary O'Reilly etc. from some of the suspects in Castlereigh. Took us a while to find them, but we banged them up alright.

    Name supplied (Sgt. ret'd.)

    THE short story festival

    Small Wonder

    "An adrenalin-rush of short fiction, show-casing some of our finest and most imaginative writers. Special features include: short-cuts—films derived from stories; stand-up stories—rapid-fire delivery; short-lists—award-winning stories; Carver's world—stories, films and drama inspired by Raymond Carver."

    William Trevor, Bernard MacLaverty, A. S. Byatt, Tessa Hadley and many more. Well worth taking time for a guided tour of the house (Charleston) as well. (September 14th to 17th)

    Ossian

    Thursday, August 10, 2006

    Bombs on planes from UK / thousands of civilians hit

    Breaking News

    "Jim Sheridan, MP for Paisley & Renfrewshire South North [...] criticised the decision to allow American planes carrying bombs to Israel to refuel at Prestwick airport." (Times Online)

    Multiple waves of planes full of bombs and weapons are flying out of the U.K. to Israel, to support the destruction of neighbouring countries and populations. Look at the cover of the Guardian today. That's the result.

    Now superimpose a picture of that poodlefaker Blair, steering his toy boat in Barbados. "Crisis, what crisis? We've never had it so good." Do you think it's worth phoning Margaret Beckett in her caravan? What a shower.

    Feargal Mooney

    Tuesday, August 08, 2006

    The lady doth protest

    Reality can bite back

    "Why did Monica Ali's book have to be called Brick Lane? / I'm sure that the agitation against the filming is orchestrated, opportunist, philistine and fundamentalist, but that's what you get for invoking the idea of Brick Lane in the first place." (Germaine Greer)

    "Shite and onions! Do you think I'll print
    The name of the Wellington Monument,
    Sydney Parade and Sandymount tram,
    Downes's cakeshop and Williams's jam?
    I'm damned if I do—I'm damned to blazes!
    Talk about Irish Names of Places!
    It's a wonder to me, upon my soul,
    He forgot to mention Curly's Hole."

    (James Joyce)

    Ossian

    Weather report



    Further weather is expected tomorrow, if and when.

    Everton Schwanstucker

    Leader cancels holiday

    Look, it's not like as if it's a matter of life and death, right?

    "If I can combine beachcombing with world affairs, well I think most reasonable people would agree that that's a good thing. As a matter of fact, I would've preferred to go to Eilat, but...that's just the way it is. Sorry."

    Well I have decided not to go on holiday. I have more important work to do than Tony Blair: I have to run a local newspaper.

    Red Woodward

    Sunday, August 06, 2006

    Isn't the "two state solution" really the two state problem?

    Look at this map and tell me why either a one-state Palestine / Israel including the West Bank and Gaza, or giving the West Bank back to Jordan and giving Gaza to Egypt, wouldn't be a better solution? How the hell can Palestine be a state with two parts separated? It didn't work for East and West Pakistan and it's never going to be right for Palestine, so why are we wasting our time trying to work for "a two state solution"? Isn't it the case that this so-called two state solution is nothing more than a bit of legerdemain, a decoy while Israel works at incremental expansion by forcing the indigenous people further and further out of their homeland? The current devastation of South Lebanon is just another bit of elbowing as far as Israel is concerned, an opportunist and cynical bit of mass murder and destruction of neighbouring people. Well, that's how I see it, and I am prepared to think I might be wrong, but nothing I hear from Israel or the U.S, so cloyingly smug and smirking all the time, does anything to reassure me. In a way, I think I'm just debating a truism here, it's the elephant in the room - the US and Israel want to grab everything they can get, and oil is a big part of it, at bottom.

    Zoz

    Saturday, August 05, 2006

    Ancient Chinese proverb

    Gu Yao Yan

    "If the head of the state is exemplary and his officials are competent, all things will go well. If the head of the state will worry about minute details, his officials will be lazy, and all things will go bad."

    Ossian

    Friday, August 04, 2006

    One day in the life of Bush-Blair democratization

    The Daily Star (Lebanon)

    "Consider just one day this week - Thursday - and look around Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine and Lebanon - the four countries where Anglo-American policies have involved using military force and diplomatic muscle to push for a new order based on free elections and democratic governance. All four are in the throes of severe cycles of violence and partial disintegration. Their central governments enjoy only thin impacts and legitimacy, and are widely challenged by political militias, sectarian and ethnic groups, and ordinary criminals." (Rami G. Khouri)

    Zoz


    From the same team that brought you the hilarious Friendly Fire

    Thursday, August 03, 2006

    All in a day's ethnic cleansing



    Israeli's uproot olive trees to destroy Palestinian livelihoods, beat protesters and fire tear gas into an ambulance for the injured. (Via Lenin's Tomb)

    Zoz

    Wednesday, August 02, 2006

    Smirking killers

    A picture of grinning warmongers Blair and Bush, superimposed on a picture of an Iraqi man holding a hospital infusion line for his injured son: link.

    Last one into the water is a burning Arab!

    Mr Blair is expected to leave for his August family holiday in Barbados shortly after tomorrow's grilling. (Guardian)

    It's a long time since there's been an assassination.

    Tuesday, August 01, 2006

    Business as usual

    A picture of beaming warmongers Olmert and Rice, superimposed on a picture of a weeping boy beside his dying mother, victims of the Israeli bombardment of civilian vehicles: link.