Monday, July 17, 2006

To all staff: Health and Safety fines

Please be careful not to kill anybody in your activities for this newspaper. If any of you fails in your duty to the public while working for the Willesden Herald, we will fine ourselves under our Health and Safety at Work self-regulations, which could be very expensive. I (Red Woodward) will personally write a cheque to Willesden Herald Financing Ltd. (prop. Edward Woodward) for a huge amount of money. So please be very careful. It is very inconvenient to have to use my cheque book, as I do most transactions online these days. So I repeat, do not kill members of the public. However, if you do kill somebody (I don't know, shoot them ten times in the head by accident or something) let me know and I'll plead guilty to our investigatory committee on behalf of myself and write out the cheque for the fine.

Red Woodward


G. Mexico (JB Nylons) said...

Wise words indeed. We recently executed a shoplifter in the bedding dept at JB Nylons and subsequently discovered to our horror ( ;-)) that the gentleman didn't have a 5 tog quilt up his jumper but was merely fat and was simply running to get a bus. Now the Health and Safety Inspectorate is all over us like a rash and it looks like they will fine us the best part of £500 which in this business climate is disastrous. It's political correctness gone mad.

Rifle enthusiast (Willesden) said...

What are you worrying about? You sincerely believed you caught a bad 'un (probably he looked the part, I'll bed he didn't even have a visa!) so that's that - no charges can be brought against any individual.

Believe me, I know. I sincerely believe that half the people in the High Road are possessed by evil spirits, so I'm going out to shoot them tomorrow. I was a bit worried, but since I heard the news tonight, I know I'm in the clear as long as I sincerely believe that they are possessed. Look out for me in the news. Cheers.

G.Mexico said...

well good luck with that, it's certainly your inalienable right to pursue happiness and evil spirits to put this delicately...darkies, and i'm guessing if you are a rifle enthusiast you know exactly what you like, plus you are in the fortunate position of being able to do something about these Brazilians. be careful that the H&S Inspectorate can't pin anything on you. As you know, even if (God forbid) any of the people you kill tomorrow aren't Brazilians, the CPS will be OK about it but the H&S Inspectorate do have the power to fine you anything up to £500 and if you are in the nylon or credit drapery business or allied trades you will find that a blow you may not recover from.

All the very best.
Gerald Mexico (JB Nylons - personal capacity)

Spark & Tinder said...

Just to clarify, as things stand at the moment it is incumbent on the Police Authority to ensure that their officers on suspect-killing and sniping duty are issued with non-slip boots and (in winter) a warm jumper. Woe betide them if any officers kill a suspect and aren't wearing non-slip boots. The H&S people will cause a right stink.

Spark & Tinder
Willesden Green

Rifle enthusiast (Willesden) said...

Not a problem, Gerald. Can't pay, won't pay; they can't get blood out of a stone. It's a win-win situation. They can fine me all they like, but they'll have to give me the money to pay it. It all goes round and round anyway, they print the money and they take what they want from you when they want. How can you fine somebody who has access to a money-printing system, it's meaningless. So as I have indirect access to their money-printing system there's not much point them fining me is there. Do you know what, I'm sick of working for them. I think I'll hand in my uniform. Anyway, I hope it's good shooting weather tomorrow. Maybe I'll go for a wander down the Albert Embankment and see if I can't bag me a brace of mp's through the telescopic sight to the terraces there. Aw hell, never mind, I've got go back to Northolt, it's no use, I'm fed up. Fed up. Goddam bloody flying.

Justin Scrotum ( Crapstone Bumwilley Scrotum Scrotum and Haversack) said...

Re Spark & Tinder, yours of the 17th inst, a very good point. I believe the authorities provided holidays for the unfortunate victims of this Brazilian non-bomber. You're quite right to point out the H&S measures indicated, and I would add that slipping in blood is a not inconsiderable problem in these cases, which can lead to chronic pain in the lower spine. Translated to money, that's a tidy sum at stake.

Mrs Haverty (clerical outfitting and cleaning services) said...

Somebody always takes the good out of everything.

I could do with a few pairs of nylons. You can't get the 50 deniers anymore, I don't think.

And I don't mean the members of the Police Complaints Commission. (See I can be witty as well, y'know, even though I'm thick as two planks.)