Monday, February 06, 2006

By order of the WRMC steering committee


I appeal to your readers to realise that the use of non-rotary mowers is forbidden on pain of death by the Willesden Rotary Mower Club. Worshippers at WRMC High Temple were reminded by Her Eminence, Engineer Alma Dinnerjacket this Monday (our Sabbath), of the verse in the Holy Manual which permits believers to put to death users of both petrol and hover mowers alike. We hold it self-evident that the use of non-rotary mowers is highly offensive to every single one of our followers, and therefore we claim our right under the relevant legislation not to be offended. I urge all citizens of this contingent state to desist from further provocations, until the Day of Lawn when all will be judged by Prince Rotor (praise be His name).

Rev. Mechanic I. Draper (WRMC)


Martin Crust (lay student of grass shortening technology) said...

The unbelievers at the Town Hall have put a noise abatement notice on me because of the sweet call of my rotor mower's engine to worship at dawn, and my neighbour's complaints.

Two questions

1. Is it permitted in Brent to sacrifice my neighbour to Prince Rotor.

2. (My wife wants me to ask this) Is the use of hand-shears ever permissible in such circumstances (for grass-cutting only - Mavis Crust).

Martin Crust
(favourite grass - Rye)

Engineer Alma Dinnerjacket (WRMC) said...

Very good questions, Martin.

While you are within the jurisdiction of your local Town Hall, it will not be considered a mortal sin to mow outside the holy hours of sunrise and sunset. In the world to come, when RM engineers are in power, the Sacrament of Mowing will of course be administered during the hours ordained in the Holy Manual.

Now to the minor points in your letter.

(1) It is permitted according to scripture (Ebenezer, 4.3.1) to "slaughter the hoverwhores, their children and animals, or any diesel whore and to possess the lands thereof". Here again you are constrained by local bye-laws and laws, until the world to come.

(2) Lord Rotor himself said "Blessed are the those who shear, for they will inherit the kingdom of Lawn. Do unto these as you would unto your cattle, for they are not offensive in my sight. But to those who are possessed of holy mowers, and who fall to shearing, cast them into the pit of ordure."

In the name of Lord Rotor, the merciful.

name withheld on request said...

A devotee's story

I have a rear roller rotary mower and last year achieved my dream and made the pilgrimage to Atco's factory. My wife had never been. I read in RM International that the Oral Law says that if "the woman eschews to make the pilgrimage then no sin is incurred if she peruses thoroughly the catalogues and is able to answer three questions of her husband's choice on the models of her choice." - cf The Utterances of the Prince

My wife read the catalogues but on answering my questions she gave answers that could only have applied to Flymo mowers. I didn't lose my temper, in fact I showed no emotion and pretended that I hadn't noticed. I understand that in Brent it wouldn't be allowed (yet) to "bury her unto the neck of her and assail her with rocks until she waketh not".

So what was I to do? Was I to simply say "I divorce thee" three times to get rid of her? Or do I take her sister as a concubine as allowed in The Law? A dilemma. How did I solve it? I did both, and I have never been happier.

Mow happily.

Garçon Jessop
Sidmouth Hill.

Bill Klinsmann (Convert) said...

You're lucky. My wife's sister is a stunner but my wife knew the answers. :-(

The real Garçon Jessop said...

Someone is mischief-making, trying to paint me as an Atco-ite. Luckily everyone that matters knows I am a John Deere man and that my wife and I are very happy together. My sister-in-law is a wonderful woman and a neat mower (you should see her stripes!!) but there is no impropriety of any sort between us.

Thank you.

(The real) Garçon Jessop
Sidmouth Hill

Grand Engineer Corby Trouserpress (WRM1C) said...

A special region of Hell, which is both colder than ice and hotter than a furnace at the same time, is reserved for those perverters of RM who loll about on powered mowers, desecrating the grass with their sybaritic debauchery.

RM1 is the only true faith, handed down by primogeniture directly from Lord Rotor, who as we know only used a lowly Panther from Argos, to the blessed infant Gareth, praise to him and his holy mother and peace be upon their home in Bishops Avenue.

Mrs Haverty said...

I must be thick, but I can't make head or tail of this. Is this the same as the Holy Rollers or what?

Ivor Draper (Mechanic, WRMC) said...

Ah the fundamentalist RM1 heresy. If I had a penny for every time I've heard that I'd have a pretty penny, I can tell you. Mr Trouserpress is an arch apostate and seditioner among the faithful, who are as a man scandalised on behalf of themselves and their women and children by his atrocious perversions of RM. The RM1 heresy, which it pains me even to mention, is based on a profound misunderstanding of the whole basis of Lord Rotor's teachings. RM1 is nothing but idolatry of the pre-RM cylinder, and as such deserves no space in such an august newspaper as this.

Grand Eng. C. Trouserpress (Willesden RM1 Club) said...

Ivor, you are not displaying a very rotary attitude. Nevertheless you are always welcome at the RM1 Club shed in Willesden High Road, should you wish to repent.