Saturday, January 31, 2004

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Get a large can of Hutton's Privy Whitewash totally free with every tin of Camp-bell's Hogwash from the Court's massive January D.I.Y. Absolution Sale. As seen on the BBC.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Did you know...

Stovepiping


Stovepiping is an American term for when top officials dabble in details of subjects, such as military intelligence, which they don't fully understand and come up with bits and pieces of information to suit their prejudices and schemes. In doing so, they bypass the normal channels, peer group and management appraisals that would normally filter rubbish out of what reaches the top. The "45-minute claim" is an example of an unreliable report being subjected to the stovepiping process by people like Alistair Campbell, an unelected PR man who was meeting with Intelligence Chiefs to extract plausible evidence to support the US and British governments pre-determined decision to invade Iraq.

Feargal Mooney

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Letters

Campbell for Director General, Mandelson for Chairman


We need a calm, measured individual, cool and impassive, to replace Greg Dyke (the oik) as Director General of the BBC. It's time for a little less understanding, and a little more cold and calculating efficiency. Alistair Von Campbell would fit perfectly in this uniform.

As for Chairman, we need somebody oleaginous and supple, able to swing more than one way, and well in with the powers that be. Who better than Pieter Mandelsohn? Dust off a uniform for him too. And don't forget the boots.

Helga Sloane, Mayfair

Might as well take this opportunity to rename it Blair's Broadcasting Corporation. Ed.

That'll teach the BBC to research its stories as well as the government researched its go-to-war dossiers. It's very important that nobody besmirches ministers' or their flunkies' names, but it's not very important that government declarations of war should be well-founded. Nobody cares about little people, little dead people, only about government ministers and their flunkies. That's it, isn't it? Feargal

See my article on Toyocracy, and contrast the serious way that U.S. committees investigate issues. Malachy

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Questions for Lord Hutton

How did your Lordship conclude:

a) Dr Kelly breached Ministry of Defence regulations when he met Gilligan - after hearing in the inquiry that it was part of Kelly's remit to brief journalists?

b) That Blair's comments to journalists in-flight to Japan "threw no light" on the issues - after Blair had stated that he had nothing to do with naming Kelly, and we heard in evidence that he had chaired the meeting where the decision to name was taken.

c) That you have nothing in particular to say about Hoon - after Hoon has been caught out repeatedly telling half-truths or lies by omission.

Are we allowed to ask whether the government sounded out your opinions before appointing you? Or was it known by some insiders where your sympathies lay? Who decided that the "miraculously" glowing report for the government should be released the day after the vote on tuition fees, which the government probably expected to lose? How convenient that that story was replaced instantly by yours. How did Rupert Murdoch's Sun newspaper get the report in time for this morning?

Whatever happened to that old-fashioned concept of Justice? Would it not be just to take into account a dossier cobbled together from the internet with a 10-year-old university thesis, and wording falsified to say "terrorist groups" instead of "opposition parties" etc (etc etc etc.) Maybe it didn't fall within your Narrow Remit, but you are not a dummy, you knew from the undisputed record that they had already been caught out falsifying dossiers.

Think of it this way: The BBC makes one mistake and an unelected PR man (Campbell) marches in and interrupts Channel 4 News, the dogs are loosed on them, and their governors are now expected to resign en masse. Contrast the government's fate: They falsify dossiers, invade another sovereign country for false reasons, cause thousands of deaths, and institute an inquiry on a tangential issue designed as a firebreak to save them from their just fate.

For whatever reason, you have singularly failed to do Justice to Hoon or Blair and for Dr Kelly. At the same time you have been inordinately eager to castigate the BBC and Gilligan. If this inquiry had instead been a trial by jury, there is every likelihood that the verdicts would have been very different.

Feargal Mooney

White, white, white

[Pathetic photography. Ed.]

Pathetic fallacy never ceases to amaze. On the day of the Hutton whitewash, everywhere a blanket of white descends on London, from Whitechapel to Whitehall to Blackfriars to Greenwich (never mind.) [You forgot White City. Ed.] With heavenly commentary in the form of thunder and lightning - yes, in the blizzard, surely an omen of some kind.

Mystic Mavis

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Note to Librarians: file Labour manifestos under Fiction

Maybe it is illegal to break a clear manifesto pledge deliberately. Perhaps somebody could launch a test case / seek a judicial review? [Lord Hutton is free now. Ed.]

They might think they have got away with this, but wait till they try to make anyone believe their next manifesto...

The patched-up plans might sound tolerable now, but the genie of commercialisation is out of the bottle. Somewhere down the road, it's going to be education purely according to ability to pay, not according to aptitude. At the end of that road is a shanty town, and at the other end is a fenced and guarded subdivision. They might as well start stitching another star onto Old Glory now.
From charnel pyres of oxen to cowed chattels

Yes, Nick Brown, the timeserver who implemented the government's stupid Foot and Mouth eradication policy that turned the country into a toxic-smoke-blown killing field, and gave a new sense to the term Rack of Lamb has now decided that he cannot see his way to voting against his career. Now will the rest of the rebels turn and follow their lead sheep into the crypto-Tory pen?

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Bylines, bylines - where are the bylines!?!?

I don't want the whole world thinking I'm writing all this rubbish.

Ed. Red
The guilty are guilty regardless of what Judges say

Everyone can access the evidence seen by Lord Hutton. We are in the position of a jury. Nothing that a judge, court or jury says can ever change the actual guilt or innocence of anyone accused. All a court can do is offer an educated opinion, in effect a bit of guesswork about it. Everybody knows what the government has done. People know what the soldiers are saying about kit, on radio phone ins etc. It doesn't matter what Lord Hutton says, use your own judgement, this government is guilty as sin. They are quislings under the control of the doubtful American regime (elected on less than half of the votes cast.) They think we are stupid.
To Hell with their stupid sincerity

Sometimes people try to say, "Oh but the government sincerely believed this-and-that -." Who cares? The point is we don't want governments that sincerely believe untrue nonsense. We want a government that's capable of recognising a pile of steaming Texas horseshit when it meets it. Did they believe they were right not to vaccinnate in the Foot-and-Mouth epidemic? Who cares? Fuck them [Tut tut. Who posted this? Ed.] - they got it wrong. Countries should be governed by clever, flexible, adaptable people of good will, not by bottled-up dimbo dimwit [Ed.] control freaks who would rather eat their own faeces than admit they they are on the wrong track.

No byline*

*Malcolm, you are treading a fine line. Ed.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

In the news this day

Latest:
Today is Saturday. Tomorrow will be Sunday.

Review of the week so far:
Yesterday was Friday. The day before that was Thursday. The day before that was Wednesday. The day before that was Tuesday. The day before that was Monday. The day before that was Sunday.

This day last week:
This day last week was Saturday. The day after that was the same as the day after today.

This day a hundred years ago:
This day a hundred years ago was Saturday too. Sunday week will be a hundred years since the day a hundred years ago week.

Science Corner:
The Big Bang was on a Monday.

Pop goes the Week!
- "Took her to a dance on Tuesday. We were making love by Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. We chilled on Sunday." - Craig David
- "I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about you, it's Friday I'm in love." - The Cure

Rev. Sven Modulo, Seventh Day Adventists

Friday, January 23, 2004

Parliament of gulls

The Labour party is not socialist. The Conservatives are not conservative. And now the Liberal party is not liberal. The only thing they all believe in is the Westminster gravy train.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Shit

"Cannabis, marijuana, weed, skunk, pot, Tia Maria, wacky-backy, sensemilla, duh woh?"

Whatever you call it - the latest government advertising campaign is still a dopey exercise in hypocrisy. There's something Ann Widdecombe about it, your old maiden aunt lecturing you from a spongiform ignorance animated by guesswork.

So parents are worried about their kids going mental on drugs. How come we don't hear them saying anything about their door-puking, letterbox-peeing, broken-glass-gouging, hairy-arse-baring, drunken chips off their old b(ol)locks?

Malachy Dunhill

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Conscientious Labour MPs may be forced to eat dog's breakfast

Read my lips, no top-up fees

That's what Blair's election manifesto said, on which he was elected. Remember Bush Senior: "Read my lips, no new taxes." That's what lost him his re-election bid, and it will do the same for New Soap Powder Labour.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Guardian Unlimited | Backbencher political weblog awards

Nominations are sought for best political weblog*.

Joan Bloggs

*What is that? Less jargon please. Ed.

Please stop interfering, Ed. You are not the editor. Ed. (Feargal)

Monday, January 19, 2004

Breaking news



This was the scene within the last hour as the sun set. As usual we bring you the latest sooner than any other journal. We will bring you more of the soonest later.

Ossian Lennon

Great work, Ossian. Excellent example of the house style. Who's to say we won't make a journalist of you yet, if you didn't loosen up and tighten up your writing? I think I didn't ought to had better not as well book an advertising campaign based on "Soonest with the Latest." (Feargal or Simon, no one else can see this message, can they?) Ed.

Yes, they can. Feargal.

Phew. Thank God. For a minute there I thought everybody could see my messages. Good work, boys (and boyesses.) Ed.
Apologies

This abnormal service will be discontinued no later than possible.

Ed.

Simon - my office please.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

I'm no journalist, maybe somebody can tell me

While we're waiting for the journos to remember their passwords, I thought I'd just run this up the flagpole and see if the cat licks it up. Why is it that we can easily - easily - hound an MP out of office for having a wank on Clapham Common, say, but starting an unnecessary war that causes thousands of deaths is something they can just laugh off? That Sergeant who gave up his bulletproof vest to another chap, because there was a shortage of them was shot dead; and today one of the defence ministers commenting on the matter, said that "these sorts of glitches do happen." As I say, I'm no journo, but I don't really get that.

Simon Moribund
What have the Arabs ever done for us?

"Zero, just to begin with, and incalculably more than daytime-TV presenters," writes Derek Brown for the Guardian.

Dopey numbskulls like Kilroy-Silk wouldn't even have wherewith to write were it not for the Arabs.

S. Moribund, p.p. Feargal Mooney
Just me then

Well they've all changed their passwords, but there's been a bit of a SNAFU so I'm the only one who can get in at present. I have the whole building to myself. (Ed, I've eaten some of your Jaffa cakes already - okay, the lot - and had a sip of your Glenmorangie. Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Seeing as I'm in charge for a while, I might as well make a few improvements. I think I'll have a pink section for business news. That's always useful when you need to find a few pages to line the dog's kennel floor or suchlike. The pink ones can be safely used without missing anything. Watch this space.

Simon Moribund

Monday, January 12, 2004

Experimental Flash movie by Konstantina Chochlaka.



Move the mouse around for interesting effects, but don't click or you'll have to press reload. Some of the effects are transient, others continue as long as the mouse is in position. You'll see. It's very good.

Ossian

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Letters

What does Kilroy-Silk contribute to humanity?

He is an ignorant clown, who couldn't even aspire to mediocrity.

Shusha Fayez

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Letters

We are slaves


The Inland Revenue doesn't give a damn about people, and their Customs & Excise cronies delight in bankrupting struggling businesses. I have signed the Official Secrets Act; I hope they prosecute me for revealing that fact, then they can really do their Shylock impression...

Shylock:
You have among you many a purchased slave,
Which, like your asses and your dogs and mules,
You use in abject and in slavish parts,
Because you bought them: shall I say to you,
Let them be free, marry them to your heirs?
Why sweat they under burthens? let their beds
Be made as soft as yours and let their palates
Be season'd with such viands? You will answer
'The slaves are ours:' so do I answer you:
The pound of flesh, which I demand of him,
Is dearly bought; 'tis mine and I will have it.


(Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice, Act 4 - Scene 1)

Even the Banks and the Building Societies try their best to help people in difficulties, but the slavemaster of the Inland Revenue, the unnameable He who calls himself "I" like Jehovah in his commandments, likes nothing better than destroying people. You know what? - fuck him! He can go and fuck himself with a rasp and crap his own bile for a week, then fall under a truckload of our money when he staggers out of the Bank of England to look for ointment.

Note to Editor: Please withhold my name and address.
Yours, Tommy Atkinson, The Kiosk, Crumbley Road, London


Can't Pay Won't Pay, Neasden

Who posted this article? Feargal would you delete this, or edit it. And can we ban his IP Address, please. Ed

Once something is posted, it can't be deleted. It's a limitation of AudioBlagger™. Feargal

I've hacked it for you - so nobody can see the dodgy bits. Can you all change your passwords please. Simon

Well done, Simon! I haven't got time to look at the text 2 inches above your message just now, as I must be at my Accountant's by the 2:30. But I'm sure it's A-OK as usual. Ed.

"Kafka is the novel's bad conscience. His work demonstrates a purity of intention, a precision of language, and a level of metaphysical commitment that the novel partially comprehends but is unable to replicate without, in the process, ceasing to be a novel at all. Consequently, Kafka makes novelists nervous."



Zadie Smith on Kafka for The New Republic

Ossian

Friday, January 09, 2004

Bush in 30 seconds

TV adverts he can't buy, even with his 120 million dollars


These little 30-second TV adverts are miniature masterpieces and well worth a look, especially if you have broadband.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Thanks to the wonderful Moorish Girl for adding this journal to her literary links.

Ossian

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Toyocracy

A make-believe or toy democratic system, as useless as a rubber guitar, that is what passes for a constitution here in Britain. They keep up appearances by having inquiries, and so on, but it's all for show - nothing ever changes. Pull their strings and they repeat set phrases. "We know we have failed." "We are sorry." "There is more to do." "We feel your pain." Any intelligent toddler would soon get bored and dash them to bits to see what's inside.

Malachy Dunhill
Dried Bloggage

December '03
Mystery fireworks display
Oh little town of Bethlehem - Zoz
December sunset
Gaddafi the serial confesser
Interview with an Agent - Feargal Mooney
Bigendians, Littleendians, Samaritans, and the Dean
There's no such thing as the Poor

November '03
The Big Con / Top-up fees
Simmonds of Denmark Road - Appeal
President and First Lady visit poor relations in Britainamerica
Autumn snaps - Ossian Lennon
London for Sale - msn Arabia
For the love of Mike - Victor Meldrew
Kiss your Potassium Iodate goodbye - Malachy Dunhill

October '03
C.R.A.P. strike settled
Why did the fictional chicken cross the road? Noël Knowall has the answers
Immigrant Blues Burger - cooking with Alura
Telegram from the dominions - with Baroness C.
It's being so cheerful that keeps him going - Simon Moribund
Seeking William Ennis (uncle) - appeal
Sounds Legal with D.J. Vinny Jerome
On the beat with D. C. Constable - Britain's first Rastafarian cop

September '03
How the by-election was won & lost
Scumsheets by Malachy Dunhill
Alura in the land of giant food
The day the drought was lifted
Seeking Winifred Kennedy of Willesden (appeal)
There can be no forgiveness without repentance says Ivor Draper
Brent East by-election: Interview with Howling Lord Hope (Audio)
Were you sent by Mick?
Comedy terrorist stands in Brent East
Letter from North America
You smiley-faced hypocrites by Malachy Dunhill

August '03
Famous people from Willesden. No 3: Mrs Jayaben Desai
Herald to sponsor candidate in Brent East by-election
The first day of Autumn
At least one non-Tory candidate to stand in Brent East
"More shitey pictures" according to Mrs Haverty
Droopy and the munchkin
The new Don Partridge
No time to waste with Mrs Haverty
Breakfasts with wolves by Stephen Moran
Disasters Emergency Committee Appeal for Liberia
Spam, spam, spam, free money, & spam
Boring pear tree incident
Cloning Shergar - the ultimate ringer
Why were none of these on "I Love 1975?" by Malachy Dunhill
Thoughts of a loose Canon with Rev. I. Draper
Classified Ads.
Today in Court with Gregory Abbott
Cooling off as London sizzles at nearly 100 F
Elegy for Dandy
Short Story masterclass
The dog days of summer

July '03
Malachy Dunhill on the BBC Talent Search
The story of Kenny by Stephen Moran
How not to write poetry by Noël Knowall
Liars, damn liars, and lovers by Malachy Dunhill
Online Writers by Malachy Dunhill
Things to do in Willesden this Saturday
The children of Lir found, still wandering

June '03
Remembering the good old days of enamel
Poetically correct poem by Johnny Reckitt
A midsummer night's stroll
Boffin at large with Simon Moribund
Everyone on earth is a blood relative of every other
Beanstalks, triffids and concrete flowers
Campaign for restoration of ironwork scrapped in the war
A proposal to remedy the plague of crime and prisons by Rev. I. Draper
Famous people from Willesden. No 2: Mona Golabek
"The New Kissalossus" by Rockwell Rollins
Kite flying in Roundwood Park
Hackers wreak havoc with Herald

May '03
Not very blokey? You might need our Hazchem guide
Faded signs on gable walls
Hi doc! Welcome to unhealthy Cardiff City supporters
Decisions, decisions, decisions
We're rich!!!!!!!
Famous people from Willesden. No 1: Zadie Smith
News in brief *Latest*
Apology to our online readers
Night falls on the Aussiefied high road
All the fun of the fair
The offensive nonsense that kids find funny these days
Full moon over Willesden tonight
Spring storm hits Willesden
News in brief
Out and about / Sightings - with Rocky Rollins
I have a bit of a problem - with Mona Bone-Jakon
Herald catches thief in the act
What's in your stars? - with Mystic Mavis
The Doctor Advises on...
My neighbour spies on me in the garden and I think I like it
SARS and you - with Dr Francis

April '03
Pidgin pigeon
Business opportunities in the Ould Sod
Willesden sunset, January
Solar shrinkage crisis
Mystery weeds and midnight warblers
The beast of Willesden

Monday, January 05, 2004

Beware groynes



A timely warning to winter swimmers. [Your jpegs may get frogalised. Ed.]

From a concerned Hosier
Al Alvarez writing for the Observer:



In the bad autumn months that followed, when she was coming up from Devon to go flat-hunting in London, she used to drop by my studio near Primrose Hill. I would pour her a drink and she would settle cross-legged on the floor in front of the stove and read me her new poems. I no longer remember how many visits she made - three or four at most - but it was enough for me to hear a fair proportion of the poems that went into Ariel and recognise that what I was listening to was new and extraordinary.



Ted, Sylvia and me



"In a uniquely intimate portrait of Sylvia Plath, The Observer's former poetry editor recalls being her confidant and mentor and tells of the strange experience of seeing himself portrayed in the new film of her life"

Ossian

Saturday, January 03, 2004

The Golden Willy Awards for 2003-4

"Bribery will get you everywhere"

Best Journal: Life and War with Mikey 'Fatboy' Delgado

Best Magazine: writeThis.com

Best Newcomer: deaddrunkdublin

Best Commentary: Lenin's Tomb

Best Design: Karmalised

Best Photo Journal: London and the North

Best Reportage: Frizzy Logic


Presented by:
Willesden Rotary Mower Club