Now incorporating the Sudbury Hill Times

Friday, June 27, 2003

Write This - the latest edition.



Featured Filth Purveyor: Brett Axel "world famous performance poet, editor, activist" - exclusive interview and work.

Ossian

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Campaign to Restore Abused Privacy

To show that we mean business, we will prevent this organ from going to press for ten days, or until such time as our demands are met. What did you think, we were on holiday? C.R.A.P. doesn't take holidays.

C.R.A.P. is anonymous

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Contents

November '03
The Big Con / Top-up fees
Simmonds of Denmark Road - Appeal
President and First Lady visit poor relations in Britainamerica
Autumn snaps - Ossian Lennon
London for Sale - msn Arabia
For the love of Mike - Victor Meldrew
Kiss your Potassium Iodate goodbye - Malachy Dunhill

October '03
C.R.A.P. strike settled
Why did the fictional chicken cross the road? Noël Knowall has the answers
Immigrant Blues Burger - cooking with Alura
Telegram from the dominions - with Baroness Cheryl
It's being so cheerful that keeps him going - Simon Moribund
Seeking William Ennis (uncle) - appeal
Sounds Legal with D.J. Vinny Jerome
On the beat with D. C. Constable - Britain's first Rastafarian cop

September '03
How the by-election was won & lost
Scumsheets by Malachy Dunhill
Alura in the land of giant food
The day the drought was lifted
Seeking Winifred Kennedy of Willesden (appeal)
There can be no forgiveness without repentance says Ivor Draper
Brent East by-election: Interview with Howling Lord Hope (Audio)
Were you sent by Mick?
Comedy terrorist stands in Brent East
Letter from North America
You smiley-faced hypocrites by Malachy Dunhill

August '03
Famous people from Willesden. No 3: Mrs Jayaben Desai
Herald to sponsor candidate in Brent East by-election
The first day of Autumn
At least one non-Tory candidate to stand in Brent East
"More shitey pictures" according to Mrs Haverty
Droopy and the munchkin
The new Don Partridge
No time to waste with Mrs Haverty
Breakfasts with wolves by Stephen Moran
Disasters Emergency Committee Appeal for Liberia
Spam, spam, spam, free money, & spam
Boring pear tree incident
Cloning Shergar - the ultimate ringer
Why were none of these on "I Love 1975?" by Malachy Dunhill
Thoughts of a loose Canon with Rev. I. Draper
Classified Ads.
Today in Court with Gregory Abbott
Cooling off as London sizzles at nearly 100 F
Elegy for Dandy
Short Story masterclass
The dog days of summer

July '03
Malachy Dunhill on the BBC Talent Search
The story of Kenny by Stephen Moran
How not to write poetry by Noël Knowall
Liars, damn liars, and lovers by Malachy Dunhill
Online Writers by Malachy Dunhill
Things to do in Willesden this Saturday
The children of Lir found, still wandering

June '03
Remembering the good old days of enamel
Poetically correct poem by Johnny Reckitt
A midsummer night's stroll
Boffin at large with Simon Moribund
Everyone on earth is a blood relative of every other
Beanstalks, triffids and concrete flowers
Campaign for restoration of ironwork scrapped in the war
A proposal to remedy the plague of crime and prisons by Rev. I. Draper
Famous people from Willesden. No 2: Mona Golabek
"The New Kissalossus" by Rockwell Rollins
Kite flying in Roundwood Park
Hackers wreak havoc with Herald

May '03
Not very blokey? You might need our Hazchem guide
Faded signs on gable walls
Hi doc! Welcome to unhealthy Cardiff City supporters
Decisions, decisions, decisions
We're rich!!!!!!!
Famous people from Willesden. No 1: Zadie Smith
News in brief *Latest*
Apology to our online readers
Night falls on the Aussiefied high road
All the fun of the fair
The offensive nonsense that kids find funny these days
Full moon over Willesden tonight
Spring storm hits Willesden
News in brief
Out and about / Sightings - with Rocky Rollins
I have a bit of a problem - with Mona Bone-Jakon
Herald catches thief in the act
What's in your stars? - with Mystic Mavis
The Doctor Advises on...
My neighbour spies on me in the garden and I think I like it
SARS and you - with Dr Francis

April '03
Pidgin pigeon
Business opportunities in the Ould Sod
Willesden sunset, January
Solar shrinkage crisis
Mystery weeds and midnight warblers
The beast of Willesden
Harvey's Dream is a new short story by Stephen King, who happens to be a very good short story writer. The New Yorker online also includes On Impact his vivid account from 2000, of the day and the accident that nearly killed him, what he thought of the person responsible for it, and how he started writing again.

Ossian


"The force that through the green fuse drives the flower."




Do not plug your shaver into this.




Don't shelter under trees. Jove is active in this area.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Monstress by Lysley Tenorio, is a story from the Philippines, steeped in the movie poster atmosphere of Manila. My missus tells me this is pretty good. She's hogged June's Atlantic Monthly so I've only read the first few paragraphs so far.



I have the new edition already, which features a new short story by Garrison Keiller, a great favourite. The story's not so hot, but it is funny. I'll put up the link as soon as it comes online. The story is a framework for a lot of Agony Aunt questions and answers.

Ossian

Monday, June 23, 2003

Sunday, June 22, 2003

A midsummer night's stroll

I forgot I'd left the resolution setting on Fine (the second highest) so these pictures will take a bit longer to download. They are long exposure shots taken after sunset.



Sadly, this is all that's left of the delightfully named, "Mr Fruiti & daughters." More shops.



The ghosts were out on Willesden High Road.

<< Previous | Next >> (shops)

Ossian

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Give us back our ironwork

Meester Living-stone, we haven't forgotten this.



The Herald's editorial stance will have a decisive influence on the outcome of the next mayoral election. (Don't laugh!)

Ossian

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Boffin at large

with Simon Moribund

In the twilight world of the computer programmer, it is safest to assume that whatever you hear means the opposite of what it sounds like. For example, programmers' time is measured in Software Mean Time which does not actually mean time at all. Here is a handy list of translations for some common programmers' phrases:


I have finished

I have started

Testing now

Halfway through

There are a few little problems

The whole design was wrong and the system has to be completely rewritten

It never works when anybody is looking

I have never tested it before

There are bound to be a few teething troubles

We will complete the work on-site, after installation

I never drink at lunchtime

I drink all night, get in late and so have to skip lunch

A day and a bit

Two weeks

About one week

Six weeks

Thirty days or so

Three days at the most

Could you please check the connection at the back of your machine

Do something while I try to control a hysterical fit of laughter

When was your last backup?

I have some bad news for you

We cannot replicate the fault

Your system is obsolete

With respect

I'm talking to an idiot here, right?


Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Everyone on earth is a blood relative of every other

Feargal Mooney

The reason that everyone who investigates their roots comes up with some royal connection is that we are all descended from the same people. Look at it this way: go back generation by generation; each person has 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great grandparents etc. The "problem" is that with only a few more generations you get numbers turning into zillions - more than the total number of people who ever lived. The reason why there were not really zillions of ancestors is that we share our ancestors with other people.

When we step back through the generations, we find that there were less and less people alive, not more. Now of the people who were alive in the past, say in Europe around 1400, about 20% of them have no living descendants. Of the other 80% every person alive in Europe today shares one of them as an ancestor. In other words everyone in Europe today shares a common ancestor who lived in 1400.

Okay, regress further back. According to The Royal We by Steve Olson, writing in the Atlantic Monthly of May 2002:

"... the most recent common ancestor of all six billion people on earth today probably lived just a couple of thousand years ago. And not long before that the majority of the people on the planet were the direct ancestors of everyone alive today. Confucius, Nefertiti, and just about any other ancient historical figure who was even moderately prolific must today be counted among everyone's ancestors."

There is another interesting implication, referred to at the end of the article. If we look forward in time, it will be the case that at some time in the distant future every one of us will either have no descendants at all, or else will be an ancestor of every single person born.

If you find this hard to believe, you will have to disprove the maths of Joseph Chang, a statistician at Yale University. These are his findings, and as the article says, "The mathematics of our ancestry is exceedingly complex."

Ignore those twits. They think they're very clever hacking into the Herald. It's a tribute to how highly the Herald is regarded that they find it worth their while to spend hours trying to hack into our website.

Ed.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Up with C.R.A.P! We will destroy the Herald.

P O'Toole

Beanstalks, triffids and concrete flowers

Letters

I sent that boy of mine out to hock the cd player, and what does he do? Only exchanges it for a handful of magic beans! Magic beans, for feck sake! I gave him a clip round the ear and chucked them out the door. I mean I heard of magic mushrooms, but this beats all. Magic feckin beans!

fee fi fo fum

Well, I came out this morning and these ruddy great triffids have grown in a crack beside the wall of our driveway. They're about seven foot tall and there's no sign of them stopping yet.



I don't think they're beanstalks with giants' castles on top though, I'm more concerned that they might be triffids. I wonder if the expert in our captive audience is able to identify these prodigious wild flowers. Are they escaped (pardon the expression) hollyhocks, or what?



I can't make up my mind if I prefer the pink flowers or the white ones. All in all, I'm glad I didn't pull up those weeds from beside the driveway wall when they first popped up, looking like rhubarb leaves. The triffids are not the only plants in my garden that found there own way here.

we claim asylum

I suppose they're like refugees coming to live in my little fiefdom. See, some dreary people will scrape or poison all the weeds from their paths, and they will never know the joy of these concrete flowers. How could anybody look into those day's eyes and do them any mischief?

Lazy Gardener, Mapesbury

Name and address supplied

Friday, June 13, 2003

A proposal to remedy the plague of crime and prisons

Letters

It is well known that the crime rate has been rising by about 5% per year for a hundred years. As a result there exists a state of approximately 100% crime at this present day. In effect everybody in this country is in the process of committing a crime all of the time.

You might wonder how it is possible for normal life to continue when everyone is in the process of committing a crime. The reason becomes clear when long crimes such as parking illegally all day, or watching television without a licence, say, are taken into account. More villainous offences can be "long crimes" too, such as persistent jaywalking or driving an unroadworthy car.

In short, normal life proceeds without any apparent difficulty but all the while every citizen in the land is in breach of some regulation or another. That is to say nothing of felons imported into the country, usually by unlawful means, who only add to the number of criminals walking our streets.

The police are fully occupied with writing up details of crimes reported to them. In fact they might just as well try, as children do on beaches, to empty the sea by taking buckets of water (without a licence) and emptying them into holes made in the sand (without planning permission.)

At the same time it has been well documented that large numbers of apparently innocent people have been incarcerated illegally - another crime - before being released and colluding in extorting money from the government to compensate them for what they never did, and for their illegal sojourn at the expense of the state.

It has often been observed that legalising this, that and everything would reduce the crime rate to zero at a stroke. Right - but wrong. Simple - but complicated. Effective - but ineffective. True - but false. No right-minded person would want to legalise murder, parking on yellow lines, being without visible means of support, rape, begging, armed robbery, tv licence evasion etc etc.

The solution is as sensible as its "legalise everything" counterpart is ludicrous. When you hear it you will say, "But we knew all along; it was so simple." Ladies and Gents, I propose that the entire citizenry of the country be sentenced to indefinite imprisonment without trial, and simply allow them all out on parole.

It is self-evident that nobody can ever prove they are innocent of everything; therefore they must be guilty of something at all times. The Good Book itself testifies that even a newborn baby when it shows its offensive face to the world, is already guilty. You needn't trouble yourself worrying about the expense of it; rather the savings will be enormous. Since they are so proven guilty by this ineluctable logic, there will be no further need for courts, lawyers, or any laws at all.

Only politicians and officers of the state will be excused from the new dispensation. Such worthies have to be exempt from the rule in order to enforce it. However, citizens who prove well behaved over a significant number of years, may hope to be promoted to absolute freedom, i.e, State Employment.

I. Draper (Rev.)

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Barton, your game is up!

I'm ordering this new 4x4 and woe betide you if you try to hijack the Herald again! I'm getting a special offer on it, now that the original customer has been deposed.

Ed.
The New Yorker's summer special Debut Fiction edition is out. It's one of several annual special editions that cover two weeks instead of the usual one. In recent years it has resulted in the featured authors, such as Jonathan Safran Foer, receiving huge advances for books on the strength of the publicity generated. This year a longish poem, The Clerk's Tale by newcomer Spencer Reece, is featured alongside three short stories by previously unpublished writers. (You can follow the links from The Clerk's Tale to the rest.) There are also interviews with the debut writers, and a recording of Spencer Reece reading his poem. The printed edition contains two more debut poems, a new story by Jhumpa Lahiri entitled Gogol, a new poem by Roger Angell and a memoir by Jonathan Franzen. In short, it's worth a good part of the annual subscription for this issue alone, and certainly worth buying a copy where available. The online edition also includes debut fiction from recent years by Gabe Hudson, David Schickler, and ZZ Packer.



Ossian

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Famous people from Willesden, a short series. No. 2

Lisa Golabek

Lisa Golabek was born in Austria and came to London with the Kindertransport. She was cared for with other refugee children in a house in Willesden Lane. Her moving story is told in The Children of Willesden Lane by her daughter, Mona Golabek.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

"The New Kissalossus"

A few days ago The Herald published a snippet of a poem written by our very own Showbiz Editor, Rocky Rollins. We received this letter as a result and we are happy to accede to Marganita's request.
____________

Dear Willesden Herald

I am doing a Year 12 project on the poetry of Rockwell Rollins at the American School in Holland Park and on the Number 260 bus from Shepherds Bush to Golders Green I found an issue of your newspaper which contained part of his poem Your Huddled Kisses, Yearning To Kiss Good (The New Kissalossus). The poem is learnt by all American girls travelling in Europe. I wonder if it would be possible for The Herald to print the full version.

I never dreamed that Mr Rollins would now be a showbiz editor on an international news digest.


Yours in Americanhood
Marganita Ben Sherman

P.S The statue is very lovely.



________

The New Kissalossus (Your Huddled Kisses, Yearning To Kiss Good)

(after Emma Lazarus)



Not like the lovemaking of Greek fame
(Ouch) with stretched limbs astride me from thigh to thigh;
Here amid priapic secretions that smell of the sea is the cry
Of American women who yearn to be lit by a good kisser's flame
In the imprisonment of arms; and her name...
Mother of Kiss-Seekers.  From her red-lipped mouth
Glows welcome; her hot eyes command in London, north and south,
The passion that twin conjoined lips should frame:
"Keep, British boys, your slack lipped kiss!" cries she
With silent lips.  "Give me your hot, your dry,
Your cuddled kisses, I'm yearning to be kissed good, it's free.
Not your wretched slobber, I can take no more, don't try.
Send me your kissers, your good kissers, send these kissers,
lip-glossed, to me. I lift my arms beneath the golden tree.


Rockwell (Rocky) Rollins

Monday, June 09, 2003

The Children of Willesden Lane

Beyond the Kindertransport: A Memoir of Music, Love, and Survival



If those fools at the Willesden Herald weren't so incompetent, I would write and tell them about this book.



Ossian
Herald is first to announce timing of Euro referendum

The dimbos on the BBC and everywhere else in the media have missed the obvious choice for the date of the Euro referendum. The Herald is predicting that the Euro referendum will be held on the same day as the next General Election. This has two benefits for the pro-Euro campaign: (1) It associates the No campaign directly with the unpopular Tory party, and (2) It enables the electorate to vote No if they want to and still re-elect Labour. Remember, you heard it first here, in the International Willesden Herald.

Ed.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

Kite flying in Roundwood Park



It was good kite-flying weather today in Willesden. Well, the wind was high, anyway. You wouldn't think it to look at this picture, but it was blustery.



If anything it was perhaps a bit too much for the enthusiasts, causing them to have a hard time controlling their kites.



The water lilies were out. You probably won't want to wait half an hour to download this movie (QuickTime, 10mb) of the willow tree above them swaying in the wind.

a very good likeness

If I'd noticed this before, I would have asked Alura at the party last night* why there is a statue of her in Roundwood Park.

Ossian Lennon

*To celebrate a book publishing contract for a novel by London's next Zadie Smith
We're back, sorry for any inconvenience

Not sure what happened with the Campaign to Restore Abused Privacy, but they seem to have disappeared again, thank God.

Ed.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Barry Barton is innocent

a statement from the Campaign to Restore Abused Privacy


C.R.A.P. has seized control of new messages on the Willesden Herald's website. We want readers to know that an innocent man's life and career has been ruined by the indiscretion of the Willesden editor's organ. Mr Barton specifically stated that his name and address was not for publication, and yet Dr Gerald Francis's article and Ms Bone-Jakon's actions as detailed in her reply, have combined to force mehim to go into hiding.

Unfortunately due to the bizarre and incompetent way the Herald's website is programmed, it is not possible to change messages because they are posted by wire. But we demand a full written apology and significant compensation for Mr Barton. Otherwise we will keep this site closed to your journalists and we will also be instructing counsel, the very learned and respected Prof. Lord Skyddmark q.c. to commence proceedings for libel.

P. O'Toole

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Hello? Hello?

You pathetic little man. I will write a story that

Disconnected
We will rise from the ashes

This is Ed on AudioBlagger [™ Voice Recognition]. The herald cannot be silenced. Whoever is responsible for this hacking will be persecuted. Investigations are already underwear, and you might be surprised to know who we think is

Disconnected

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Picket line

The Herald journalists are on strike. Do not cross this line. This means you Ed.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Creative Writers msn group has self-published a book called Facets of Friendship (available from Amazon.) Ironically they are now fighting like cats and dogs over how the project was handled.



Ossian

Monday, June 02, 2003

We've been hacked again

Oh, very funny. The scourge of graffiti has hit the Herald online background again. Could these whizkids not be helping the computing industry in this country instead of hacking into community websites such as this?

Sunday, June 01, 2003

Ironwork restoration - take 2*

Campaign for restoration of ironwork scrapped in the war

In this special report we reveal the mish-mash of breeze blocks, picket fences and gaps that still stands in place of the stripped ironwork in London today. Examples can be found throughout the city and country, but here we concentrate on our neighbouring district of Queens Park, a designated Conservation Area.



The Queens Park estate was planned and built by a Victorian philanthropic society about 1875, to provide decent accomodation for workers who were crowding into city slums as the industrial revolution gathered pace.

Fifth Avenue

They specified the best modern amenities at the time, superb craftsmanship and decoration, with wide thoroughfares arranged in grids like planned cities such as New York, a grid of avenues, numbered First through Sixth, and streets labelled A to O. The London A to Z lists fourteen First Avenues, by the way. Queens Park is in W10, City of Westminster. The streets were subsequently given names starting with the letters A to P, drawn from those who were instrumental in their building: Alperton, Barfett, Caird, Droop, Enbrook, Farrant, Galton, Huxley, Ilbert, Kilravock, Lothrop, Marne, Oliphant and Peach.



Apparently there was never a J Street. Farrant Street and Peach Street no longer exist (though there is a new Peach Road nearby). Maybe Farrant was where the park is south of Ilbert Street in the picture above, I don't know, but looking at a map and the sequence of street names, it looks a likely position for it. Peach Street was demolished by a 500 pound German bomb dropped by parachute. I don't know how many people were killed but it left a big crater and the whole street was demolished. Debris from the blast was blown into the air and landed as far away as our own dear Willesden where "it fell among people coming out of a cinema." (What cinema, readers?)**



This is what the ironwork should look like. It is thought that the exercise of removing the ironwork was largely for propaganda purposes to raise morale by giving blitzed Londoners the impression that they were contributing to the war effort, and so minimise despair or revolt. Aluminium and some other metals were in short supply, so some pots and pans collected would have been recycled, but cast iron was secretly ferried down the Thames and dumped, so much of it that it became a hazard to shipping. Ref: London's Lost Railings in WW2.

these are not the worst

Above is an example of the mish-mash of fencing that has replaced the railings. You can see where the cill guards are missing too.

he growled at Ossian

This charming fellow would not be able to sit where he is on the window cill if the cill guard hadn't been removed. Note the missing railings.



Some houses were stripped bare, and still stand as they were left. The first houses on the streets seem to have been more completely denuded than the more far-flung, some of which appear to retain one or two original cills (not sure, maybe restored.)



Some of the cill guards have been replaced or partially replaced. It is a very expensive exercise, and your non-roving reporter could never afford it when he lived in a beautiful two-up-two-down not dissimilar to one of these.



Here you can see the worst and best that can be done with the old buildings. The corner house has inappropriate aluminium casement windows. The house on the right has been fully restored with authentic sliding sash windows retained, and all the ironwork replaced.



And what a corner house! The corner houses on Fifth Avenue have turrets! There are many surprising details on the estate. You will see masterpieces of ornamental brickwork, plaques and other things I'm too lazy to find the names of (architraves?) if you get a chance to visit the area.

risking life and limb

At the end of this picture down Caird Street, look closely at the terrace across the T-junction with Third Avenue. There is a gothic arch between two houses there.

date 1995

The availability of grants has not resolved this problem. People still cannot afford the work, or would rather put breeze blocks and picket fences in place of the missing ironwork. The National Lottery could afford to do this, and would it not be a very good use at least comparable to funding of museums and sports facilities?

An enquiry to them produced an application pack and details of the Townscape Heritage Initiative, which would be the way to go about this project. They don't initiate projects, but provide support and funding to local bodies, so Westminster City Council might be expected to organise this for Queens Park. But it would make more sense for the Mayor of London, currently a Mr. Ken Livingstone of Cricklewood (shouting distance from where this article is being typed) to take a leading role, as all London boroughs must be affected.

dated 1995

Come on National Lottery and Mayor Livingstone, help us put back the ironwork! It would boost everybody's morale again to put the railings back. This is not the vain sort of cosmetic surgery, this is the kind that is indicated for the alleviation of disfigurement. The Luftwaffe did not do this, it was a homemade bout of self-harm. The Herald has done its bit by highlighting the issue, now it's up to you to do something about it.***

Update

We wrote to Ken Livingstone and received a response from an assistant stating that the work was outside of the mayor's remit. Eventually we wrote to Westminster City Council with our suggestion for a Townscape Heritage Fund project and received this letter from David Clegg, Head of Design and Conservation (North) in response.

Report by Feargal Mooney. Photos by Ossian Lennon

* This revised version was posted in September 2006. Thanks to Mr S W Lane for corrections. (Ref: Letter from Mr S W Lane)

** John Hyde writes from Torrox Costa, Spain: "Could it have been the Palace or Odeon in Chamberlayne Rd?" (Ref: Letter from John Hyde)

*** Thanks to Queens Park Library, Fourth Avenue, for permission to photograph pages from the Westminster City Council Queens Park Estate Design Guide pamphlet (1995.)
BBC1's The Politics Show has just run a special feature on London, and produced more or less the same story as the Herald's Night falls on the Aussified high road. They had an Aussie interviewer interviewing an Aussie barman at The Spotted Dog. They had the stupidity or peasant cunning to call the place Neasden, when the Spotted Dog is slap-bang in the middle of Willesden High Road. The Herald demands an acknowledgement as the source of this story, and a correction to the location. Auntie Beeb you shameless old tart!

[I sent a link to the Willesden Herald to vine@bbc.co.uk - the email address of Jeremy Vine, the presenter of the Politics Show - a couple of weeks ago while listening to his radio program. Ed.]