now incorporating the Sudbury Hill Times

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Mad dog disease suspect



This small dog was seen behaving very oddly. "The problem is not likely to be rabies," sources said. "It seems that this dog just wants to fight water." (Is it possible that it has inherited a gene from The Hound of Culann himself, who was famous for fighting the waves? Ed.) (No. Feargal.) See for yourself in this exclusive footage.

Pidgin pigeon

setting up house, for the wife and kits

listen

Me shanty town pigeon
No freehold, no leasehold
Not even pigeon-holed
Just squatter rights
    In your elderberry

When nobody looking
Us changing the guard
And dozing, sometime
One eye on you
    Me act of faith

Them squawking beaks
Hard time condition
Us never heard about
Kalapati
    With lemon

Ganache

The good old days

Can you remember back before the war? We were all so naive. Ahhhh Bisto! They'll never come again.

education, education, education

Classified

Business opportunities

Thinking of returning to the Ould Sod! A once-in-a-lifetime chance to get a foot in the Celtic Tiger, in Willesden's twin-town, Ballymun.

Roddy Doyle prop.

Chip Van - Fantastic Opportunity - Needs Attention - Would Suit Enthusiast


the sign says Slow Down

Good location.


hurry!

Excellent goodwill. (Box no: 1.)


Gentlemen!

just say no

Expert trichologists await you in the Emerald Isle. Book early to avoid disappointment. (Box no: 2.)

Monday, April 28, 2003

Willesden sunset, January

The lights come on and it's still not dark.
Shop windows light-up their mannequins.
Saw-toothed roofs of black terraces
are silhouetted in front of a fading sky.
Around the back of the high street
a few pale yellow window rectangles
take their colour from nearby lamps.
Another one or two are cold pastel blue
as if they were cut out of the sky.
The bright cold day sets on the horizon,
its hemline muddied to fagash grey.
In the supermarket carpark drivers wait
while headlights swing by, silently.


Ganache

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Solar shrinkage crisis

Feargal Mooney

Worried scientists have been studying photographs from Willesden that appear to show the sun at only a fraction of its former size. Officials say there's nothing they can do to prevent the sun from going out, but there is no need to panic. As a prudent measure people should consider whether they want to bring forward family plans for holidays, marriages and community religious half-drowning of babies or cutting bits off type ceremonies. If the shrinkage continues police say they are likely to turn a blind eye to minor offences. They may also release their stocks of seized drugs for free distribution. However Commissioner Poltroon stated that there would be no amnesty for parking or traffic offences in the last week of life on Earth.

The following pictures show the shocking extent to which the sun has declined.

still a few days left

This picture was taken on March 26th (SS Bernadine of Fossa, Braulio of Saragossa, Castulus, martyr & Dismas the Good Thief, martyr.)


oh what is the bloody point

Our photographer (Ossian Lennon) went a bit artistic this evening and entitled this one "Lilac Sunset #1." (Photographers, please see Situations Vacant.) Unfotunately, it's not clear whether the sun has continued to shrink, but it shows that the lilacs are still out in Willesden today.


More astronomical worries

A leaked report states that the moon was seen to swell to ten times its normal size on occasions during the last year. No further details are available. Some experts are said to be more worried by this phenomenon than by the shrinkage of the sun, as the moon is a bit too close to the earth for comfort.

Did you know?

On a lighter note, can you explain the origin of the term "once in a blue moon"? (See below for answer.)

Answer: A blue moon is the second full moon in a single month. This happens only rarely, hence the term "once in a blue moon." More posers will be featured from time to time.

Video nasties spotted

The following video was handed in to the newsdesk today by a concerned Willieburger. What can be done about this sort of thing? We'd love to hear your views. Warning: contains growling: Little Devil [Okay, Murphy's Arkle came in at 10 to 1, so I've bought a bit more space, but go easy on it. Ed.]

Feargal Mooney

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Mystery weed - no let up

Investigators are still looking into this matter.

suspicious looking plant

Letters*

I am pretty sure that's not a robin. (Midnight Warbler Goes Missing.) The robin's song is more golden and playful I would say. I suppose it could be a tired robin. Am I an expert? No. I am however doing a 6 month stretch down Scrubbs Lane for a TDA with 7 other TIC's and I have seen Birdman of Alcatraz and I am doing a bit of the old birdwatching from my pad in here.

Could it be a blackbird? I will listen closely to the next one I spot and let you know when I get a chance to get on the library computer.

Calvin Cavafy

*This letter wins the Old Lags' prize for this week, a holiday for two in sunny Tenerife, departing tonight from Inverary Airstrip. Ed.

Midnight warbler goes missing

The bird that was heard singing after midnight every night since Christmas has not been heard for a while. Excited Willeburgers thought it might have been a nightingale, but experts have indicated that it's more likely to be a robin with insomnia. A reader has managed to record the mystery diva in full throat, here. A prize of 50p off your next haircut at Gavros's Switchblade Salon in the High Street to the first reader to prove the identity of the diminutive star of Sleepless in Willesden.

Letters

I couldn't be sure but I think the flower could be prunella vulgaris in its early stages, also known as selfheal.

You'll ask what I know about such things. I am at University. I am a lab tech there and am currently researching pentacyclic triterpenes (of which PV is choc-a-bloc). I hope to use them in my research project since they may help to inhibit the slight gastric bleeding that my last batch of E's seemed to trigger


The picture is a little indistinct. If the leaves are pointed ovals it may be P.V.

Is there a reward?

Alphonse Atkinson

Ed. replies
There was to be a reward, but I'm sorry to announce that Pizza on the Trot is not with us any more, Mr Grimes and the staff will be sadly missed. They were hit in crossfire overnight. Our non-roving reporter has been ordered to take another picture of the mystery weed, and with any luck should arrive back safe and sound shortly.

Mystery weed spotted

A reader has asked if anyone can identify this unusual weed. A prize of free garlic bread with any order over £50 from Pizza on the Trot, Harlesden to the first reader to read a paper to the Royal Society about our botanical interloper.

what that?

Thursday, April 17th. SS Donanus & Simeon of Ctesiphon

In the news today in Willesden...

The lilacs are blowing in the breeze. A wonderful change in the weather from the mini-heatwave of midweek, to the blowy chill of this weekend (Easter.) Our reporter got this for you, just as the cold winds arrived:

lilacs in the breeze

In other news: Exclusive film captured by our non-roving reporter shows the bracing freshness of the cold wind rushing through the rich spring inflorescence. This quick-time movie also gives just a hint of the speed a terrier can attain, as it tells the story of how a dog in a garden thinks before deciding to run indoors and fetch a tennis ball. Here it is: Dog Day Afternoon [Yes! Murphy's Arkle by a short head!. Have some more web space, lads, but don't go mad. Ed.]

Monday, March 17th. SS Patrick, Gertrude & Joseph of Arimathea.

The first annual Willesden St Patrick's Day parade featured a colourful array of float. At one time the procession stretched all the way from the Standard Tandoori to Mona's Shamrock Hairdressers.

cead mile failte

St Pat. himself put in an appearance, with his crown, and a selection of balloonage. Fr Horniman gave an oration at the graveside of Mickey the Mynah Bird, whose rebel yells amused patrons of McCartin's pet shop and mortuary, off the High Road, for so many years. (I've censored Mickey's language - Ed.)

Councillor Patel, who organised the event, said it was just one of 600+ cultural events due to be aided this year alone, such as the Hollywood Pantheist RinTinTin Festival, the Humanists for Satan Jamboree, the Witches of Willesden Green Annual Dance etc. He denied that the children from the Mother Mary Aikenhead school had to be forced to march.

 
January 8th, 2003.

The beast of Willesden


yeti?

Experts who have examined the photo say that the paw prints are definitely from a beast of some sort.


blizzard

This painting by Jackson Pillock hangs on the wall between the lifts in the atrium of Willesden Herald House.

Feargal Mooney