Update: Lane Ashfeldt's take on judging this year's competition: The Willesden Prize, Stories and Tunnels _______ This is the...
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
How the by-election was won & lost
Take a look for yourself at how the Brent East by-election was won and lost.
You will find the result in full and by clicking on a candidate's name you will be able to view the leaflets issued by them during the contest. (Click a thumbnail for the full size picture.)
Many thanks to our source* in the Willesden Herald for providing most of the original material.
If anyone has any additional leaflets (i.e. we don’t have anything for Barschak or Weiss), please leave a message on the comments page below.
British Parliamentary By-Elections Since 1945
*Codename "Deep Throat" (FM)
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,--
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.
O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:
Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.
Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.
I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.
Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain--
To thy high requiem become a sod.
Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.
Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:--Do I wake or sleep?
John Keats (1795-1821)
Isn't it despicable for a so-called newspaper, the Daily Star, to run a banner headline about an alleged rape alongside a picture up the arse of a naked tart in today's front pages?
It's time the Trade Descriptions Act was updated to prevent these rags calling themselves newspapers. They should be forced to label their product prominently with some humiliating term, "scumsheets" for example. They make me sick. Where is the Women's Liberation Movement now?
The media have been invaded by the failed yuppies of the late twentieth century, who knew the price of everything and the value of nothing. TV has replaced programs about arts and music with programs about how much money artists and musicians "are worth," for example.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Most of you must spend your time wondering whatever happened to Alura Allumeuse. Well you can put your mind at rest. As this still shows, she is currently on location shooting her latest adventure, "Alura Goes Large." Here she is again on the set in a reflective moment. Ballet's loss is Hollywood's gain.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Former WBC heavyweight boxing champion Frank Bruno is suffering from a mental illness. Ref: Sky News. In his early days Frank trained at the All Stars gym on the corner of First Avenue and Harrow Road, Queens Park. As usual some of the tabloids are disgracing themselves and their readers this morning, in their treatment of this story.
Monday, September 22, 2003
Adam Ant has recorded this reworking of Stand and Deliver as Save the Gorilla for the Dianne Fossey Gorilla Fund. It's comically flaky but touching, knowing that he battles with demons.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
There can be no forgiveness without repentance. To simulate the sacrament of Penance in bad faith only adds the sin of sacrilege to the rest. Equally, the facile declarations of forgiveness for their malefactors, which we sometimes hear from victims of crime, only add to the original offence. Unless offenders declare their remorse and promise not to repeat their offence, in good faith, any absolution offered is null and void until the Last Judgment.
Rev. I. Draper
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Today "Old Europe" and "New Europe"
Old Europe means powerful countries such as France and Germany. New Europe consists of powerful countries such as Britain and Spain. It is not a chronological distinction because as we all know none of these countries is really any older than the others. There must be some other difference, but what is it? A prize of two weeks Plenary Indulgences (in association with Mrs Haverty Enterprises - all rights reserved) to any reader who can explain why one set of countries is "old," while the other is "new."
Friday, September 19, 2003
I am trying to contact a lady formerly known as Winifred Kennedy born in Carlinville County Cork 1932/33 and may have married in Willesden a gentleman surname of Callaghan in 1955.
She was last seen in 1952 by her brother John Joe Kennedy we believe in the Willesden area. I would love anyone with any information to contact me on [details supplied*]. Here's hoping the Willesden Herald can live up to its reputation as a caring and informative paper.
Suzanne Veail née Kennedy
*If you contact the Herald email, or leave a comment, we will forward your reply to Suzanne.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Loony landslide predicted - The Willy calls the result:
It's the Monster Raving Loony Party - by a whisker
In this world exclusive interview with The Willy's Feargal Mooney, Howling Laud Hope (left, with supporters) calls on voters for just one last push to expel the Labour party from Brent East. (Listen)
Howling Lord Hope's supporters queued early to vote.
Pictures: Ossian Lennon. Sound: Simon Moribund
Like Uma - I now think I can WIN today
If elected as your MP I promise to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. We have ENOUGH LAWS already. Parliament will only meet once every 10 years and only be allowed to pass one law each time. Also I am announcing my new AMNESTY on ALL DEBT - not just personal debt. It will be Willesden Year Zero.
Remember write-in FEARGAL MOONEY [X]
(Amnesty for Debt / Suspend Parliament)
All spoiled votes in this election will be counted for Feargal Mooney. This is not not unofficial.
Handy summary of candidates' messages
BARDWAJ, Jiten (No description)
The Yoga candidate. Main parties are paedophiles. Iblbblbbldbl.
BARSCHACK, Aaron (Comedy Terrorist)
They let me in here too.
BUTTERWORTH, Brian (Socialist Alliance)
Either me or the other one represents Arthur Scargill.
CREMER, Iris (Socialist Labour Party)
EVANS, Robert (Labour)
It wasn't me, I wasn't there, I was in Brussels. Honest.
FERNANDES, Uma (Conservative)
I'll just grab these and you cough. Say Ahhh!
HALL, Brian (UK Independence Party)
This is not an independent country yet.
HOPE, Alan Howling Lord (Monster Raving Loony Party)
I am a
IBRAHIM, Khidori Fawzi (Public Services Not War)
"Sshh, don't mention the war."
IMMANUEL, Harold (Independent Labour)
Trust me, I'm a lawyer.
LYNCH, Noel (Green)
Stop whatever you're doing.
MCBRIDE, Kelly (Independent)
Convicted murderers should not be allowed in the army.
MCKENZIE, Winston (Independent)
Brent says "Stop all immigration now."
TEATHER, Sarah (Liberal Democrats)
Don't worry, it's just for one term.
WALSH, Neil (Independent)
Oh yeah, I forgot I entered.
WEISS, Rainbow George (WWW.XAT.ORG)
Visit my website. That's all.
You can still write in Feargal Mooney, if you want a decent candidate. We will assume tomorrow that all spoiled votes were for Feargal Mooney. See who we beat.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
I'm too feeble to write, so I'm dictating this to Nurse Jones. May I remind our columnists of the terms of their contracts. Our mission is "only to post stories that are not not untrue." Some of you seem to be getting ideas above your station.
Eddie 'Red' Woodward, Prop.
Park Avenue Lighting Situation
If you have ever walked down the section of Park Avenue between the High Road and St Pauls Avenue, and you are a woman, you will know just how badly lit and scary it is to walk alone.
For the past few months I have been asking Brent Council to either improve the street lighting or cut the trees back so that the existing lights can shine through. They assured me that there was nothing wrong with them and that maintenance would be carried out.
The reason I was so concerned about this, besides myself and my friends safety, is because my sister works nights until about 12-1am and she has no other choice but to walk down this street at night. She chooses to walk down the middle of the street, where at least you can vaguely see, rather than amongst the shadows on the walkway where anyone could be lurking.
Well, last night the inevitable happened. She was followed by a man in a car, who was quite persistent in his attention. She was lucky that she had enough guts to run, but what about other women who aren’t so lucky? Every time someone walks down that street at night by themselves, they are taking their life in their hands… and what do Brent Council have to say knowing this? “The lights in Park Avenue are of the required standard in terms of light output” I totally disagree!
Does this sort of thing have to happen to some other poor girl who may not be as lucky as my sister before the council listen to us? I’m tempted to get up on a ladder and prune the damn trees myself!
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Monday, September 15, 2003
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Every Cruise missile launched cost 1 million dollars, sent on its way by your own armed forces. Hundreds of them. And the Bush / Blair government just thinks of all that as an investment. You have to destroy in order to get reconstruction contracts. PFI. Pretty Fucking Imbecilic.
Never mind the people underneath. Forget about London and the V2s, the doodlebugs, that's all ancient history. Now it's your own armed forces that are cruise-bombing cities. Not to mention cluster bombs, currently on special offer at the Disneyesque Arms Fair, here in good old London.
This Thursday remember whatever you vote, don't vote Labour. They should be on trial, not up for election.
Feargal Mooney & Ossian Lennon
Friday, September 12, 2003
Mick, a friend of Eddie 'Red' Woodward (proprietor of the Willy) recommended a tree surgeon to come and provide an estimate for the job. Ed phoned some other contractors for estimates too, but they were very expensive. Next day, a contractor turns up in Reception asking to look at the tree, and the Receptionist buzzes through to Mr Woodward.
"Ask him if he was sent by Mick," says Ed.
"Yes, he was sent by Mick."
"Okay, let him through."
The guy goes through and returns with an estimate. It's about the same as the others, and so he gets the go ahead. Great alarums and excursions as the tree is being felled. Then a call comes through for Ed.
"It's a tree surgeon."
"Put him through."
"Hello, Mick asked me to contact you about a problem you're having with a tree?"
"Didn't you send someone already?"
"Well who the hell is outside cutting down the pear tree?"
It turns out that "Were you sent by Mick?" is not enough verification for people in the tree-felling game. Most of them can answer "Yes" to that question.
*I've memorised this program already. (Feargal)
Thursday, September 11, 2003
The nutter who gatecrashed Prince William's birthday party, dressed up as Osama Bin Laden, is standing as a candidate for the vacant parliamentary seat here in Brent East. Here is the full list of candidates:
Robert Evans (Labour)
Uma Fernandes (Conservative)
Sarah Teather (Liberal Democrats)
Harold Immanuel (Independent Labour)
Kelly McBride (Independent)
Winston McKenzie (Independent)
Noel Lynch (Green)
Neil Walsh (Independent)
Alan Howling Lord Hope (Monster Raving Loony Party)
Jiten Bardwaj (No description)
Khidori Fawzi Ibrahim (Public Services Not War)
Brian Butterworth (Socialist Alliance)
Iris Cremer (Socialist Labour Party)
Brian Hall (UK Independence Party)
Rainbow George Weiss (WWW.XAT.ORG)
Aaron Barschack (Comedy Terrorist)
At the 2001 general election, the late Paul Daisley won with 63.21% of the vote, with the Tories second with 18.21% of votes cast and the Liberal Democrats picking up 10.57%. Mr Daisley, a former leader of Brent Council in north London, took over the seat from Ken Livingstone, now Mayor of London. (ref: BBC Online article.) The election will take place next Thursday, September 18th.
Notice: Feargal Mooney is dropping out of the campaign and advising his thousands of supporters to switch their vote to Howling Lord Hope, whose party also supports an amnesty on all personal debt.
It's hard to keep up with all the leaflets. This guy's slogan is "Give Tony a slap." He has a very snazzy, gimmick leaflet that when you open it says, ".sshhh...don't mention the war."
Here's another leaflet that came today from the Muslim Public Affairs Committee, describing the Labour candidate as "a danger to Islam."
"Truth is stranger than fiction," has been proved once again. From the Associated Press comes the story this week that 25 year-old shipping clerk, Charles McKinley, had a co-worker nail him into a shipping crate in New York so that he could be flown to Dallas to visit his family. The cost to his company was almost $600. He needed a free ride. Fifteen hours later (two stops en route) he crawled out of the crate to the astonishment of his parents and the delivery man. Said delivery man phoned the police and poor Charles was charged as a stowaway. In an interview on a national news programme, Charles admitted that it was all a very bad idea. For security officials it raises a number of questions about surveillance of freight on cargo flights.
Charles's employer will probably fire him. He will have to pay the shipping costs as well as face the legal charges and penalties. Good material for a one-act morality play. The actor playing Charles would have to wear nappies of course.
The Willy replies
This mode of travel was pioneered by Mossad who used it to send kidnapped and drugged victims such as Mordechai Vanunu, who told the world about their atom bombs, to Israel. Mr Vanunu has been held mostly in solitary confinement in Ashkelon prison for 17 years, according to this article, which includes a very good picture. It is thought that Israel has up to 200 nuclear warheads threatening the whole Middle East. In the absence of complete worldwide disarmament, it will probably be a good thing if Iran goes ahead and develops nuclear weapons. It might make some people think twice before continuing to colonize the region. (Feargal)
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
"Cluster bombs are not illegal," said Paul Beaver, spokesman for the London Arms Fair, talking to BBC London News today. But the local speciality shop in Willesden does not appear to stock them. A glance in their window reveals nothing but samurai swords and high-powered air guns. Which of the parties will make these items available to local citizens - or are they only for dropping on people?
Heavy ordnance is needed for the annual "two months of nighttime explosions" being organised by local councils and wealthy merchants. The mortar bombs of last year are now considered de passe in Mercedes-driving circles.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
"Tories offer raw deal in Brent East"
Shadow Chancellor, Michael Howard MP, visited Brent East today, accusing Labour of ‘failing’ in Brent.
Labour’s candidate for Brent East, Robert Evans said,
“Tory Central Office should have told Michael Howard that people in Brent want to keep the 89 new police officers recruited this year, the new Willesden Community Hospital and new City Academy all made possible by Labour.”
“The Tories obsession with cutting public spending would mean 124 fewer police officers, 442 fewer teachers and 405 fewer nurses in Brent.”
“The Tories say that Brent is failing. People in Brent disagree.”
Education standards at GCSE and A level are above the national average for the first time in decades. Crime levels are down and unemployment has fallen by 40%.”
"People remember when Brent was failing under the Tories. Crime doubled, unemployment was sky high and mortgage rates and interest rates rocketed. It was Michael Howard who presided over this mess in Cabinet!"
“The choice on Thursday 18th September for people in Brent is investment with Labour or cuts with the Tories.”
London Regional Press Officer
The Willy is ready to publish letters from any of the other candidates. Email: Willesden Herald, including contact details for verification.
Monday, September 08, 2003
The Willy has sent a complimentary Willesden Herald mug to Liberal Democrat candidate Sarah Teather, for being a sport.
The Conservatives are flat-lining in Brent East at the bottom of the list of possible winners. The Liberals are narrowing the gap on New Labour. Even though Labour has actually given us the rebuilt hospital, and let's not forget the new City Academy, specialising in sport (which is really Uffington Road school rebuilt) and okay, okay, the Sports Centre and stadium are being rebuilt, yeah, yeah but the thing is - IRAQ - duh! We cannot let them get away with it. This is a matter of life and death.
Now the only problem here is what about Harold Immanuel, the independent Labour candidate. And how could we forget the Herald's own write-in candidate, Feargal Mooney (Amnesty for Personal Debt and Mortgages Abolish Private Medicine and Education Party). It may be that Immanuel will split the Labour vote and let Sarah Teather in. That would be okay, on one condition, that she is seen sipping from her Willesden Herald mug as the results are announced.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
I wish to protest most strongly at the inclusion of video-nasty type material on your website. The article titled "They walk at night with the hellhounds" contains a very nasty surprise, which could cause people of a nervous disposition to do themselves a mischief. At the very least you might put a parental guidance warning on such material.
Friday, September 05, 2003
- Table a bill for a once a century Jubilee amnesty on all personal debt, including mortgages, to be implemented as soon as possible. This will not apply to debts owed by businesses or other institutions.
- Campaign to have all children go to their nearest school with places. This will enable most children to walk to school, abolish the travesty of children with ability being bussed out of their area, and prevent the phenomenon of sink schools. It will also promote community harmony.
- Table a bill that all road vehicles have quiet motors and zero emissions by 2010. They should also be subject to automatic speed limit enforcement.
- Campaign to abolish and ban all private medicine, dentistry and education, to be replaced by comprehensive state provision funded from general taxation.
- Demand that an exception of Justifiable Homicide be allowed for citizens who commit such crimes of passion as strangling tailgaters, dropping ten ton weights on burglars, firing shoulder-launched ground-to-ground missiles at cars with thumping stereos etc.
Don't spoil them - make your vote count, write in Feargal Mooney
Published by the Jubilee Party, Willesden Herald House, NW10.
The nuclear industry always claims that the chances of a serious accident at a nuclear reactor are so infinitesimal as to almost be of the order of 300 billion to 1, but we have already had Chernobyl and Three Mile Island. That's two more practically impossible accidents than the number of people I have ever heard of being killed by falling meteorites. Airlines are forever telling us how much safer it is to travel by air because when we get smashed to bits in aircraft it is much less common than being killed in cars. But I drive my own car. I'm not going to crash the damn thing. Some other dumbasses will - I'm not saying it's safe for them. Then again, at least there are no worldwide terrorist organisations trying to blast my car with shoulder held rocket launchers.
Murphy's law states that if something can go wrong, it will. There will be people kicked to death by donkeys, there will be people killed by falling meteorites, and there will be disasters with nuclear power stations. If you buy a ticket in the lottery, and also support nuclear power, you are saying you place more value on your chances of winning a million pounds, than you do on your safety from nuclear catastrophes. If you buy a ticket in the lottery, and support overflight of cities like London by airlines, you are saying that it is more important for you to get rich than to ensure the safety and peace of London. In order to avoid hypocrisy, anyone who buys a ticket in the lottery, must also oppose flights over built-up areas and nuclear power, because they have proved by paying for their ticket in the lottery that they know there is every chance that the almost impossible will indeed happen.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
In their continuing drift towards changing places with Labour, the Conservatives have Uma Fernandes, "a local Community Nurse," standing against what they describe as "the Labour candidate from millionaire's row in Surrey," Robert Evans. Like all of the candidates, except the one from Surrey, she highlights the problems of graffitti, fly tipping and other local issues. They are claiming they only need a small swing to win the Brent East by-election, on Thursday 18th September.
It's confusing when contradictory statements come through the letterbox every day. The Liberals claim they are the only ones who can win, yet they have no councillors in the area, whereas Brent Council is always on a knife-edge between Labour and Conservative control. (It has also been subject to some squalid transmigration of councillors from one side to the other over the years, in questionable circumstances, to gain control.)
The Liberals are quite ruthless in the way they play both the national, slap-the-government card, together with "find out the local issues, and make a song and dance about them." Sarah Teather's initial leaflet claimed she was going to something about speeding on Donnington Road, but the part of Donnington Road where more than a handful of rich people live, already has speed bumps and a chicane. Since reading the Herald, on the "densely populated All Souls Avenue," her latest leaflet now substitutes doing something about speeding on All Souls Avenue.
The Labour candidate's latest leaflet tries to make him look like a sitting MP, by using the word MP repeatedly instead of MEP which is what he is, and even arranging type on the lines so that a line starts with the text "MP Robert Evans." He is not the MP, that was the late Paul Daisley, a former Labour leader of Brent council. Under normal circumstances I (Feargal Mooney, the undersigned) would vote for any nurse over just about anybody else, but Uma Fernandes is a Tory. She is "the only local candidate" according to the Conservatives. What about Harold Immanuel, from Kilburn?
The Brent Conservatives don't seem to be any more switched on than the Blue Rinse Brigade stereotype we are used to hearing about, if their website is anything to go by. A few minutes of searching produced no sign of the Brent East by-election. Their list of "forthcoming events" is rather redolent of John Major's dismal warm beer and drowsy cricket days. It contains just two links, both inoperative:
Strawberry and Tea Party on 6/7/2003 - More details to follow.
Annual Garden Party on 26/7/2003 - More details to follow.
Write-in Feargal Mooney to win, for Brent East 2003.
In reference to your article dated Saturday, June 14, 2003, Campaign for restoration of ironwork scrapped in the war, and the question "Which Cinema did the debris land on"* could it have been the Palace or Odeon in Chamberlayne Rd?
Torrox Costa, Spain
* Excerpt: Debris from the blast was blown into the air and landed as far away as our own dear Willesden where "it fell among people coming out of a cinema."
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
This is their campaign HQ in the former W H Smith shop in Walm Lane, spotted by one of our team of cameramen while off-duty.
In the latest of the piles of leaflets that arrive at Herald House every day, we notice that Sarah Teather mentions safety on All Souls Avenue. That is a subject that was raised here by your soaraway Herald.
Robert Evans, the New Labour candidate in the Brent East by-election, Thursday 18th September, points out that the rundown old Willesden Community Hospital is being rebuilt. It is now the scene of an extensive building site surrounded by hordings imprinted with the NHS logo alternated with the logo of the developers. This is an example of the PFI "Public / Private partnership" in action.
Some of us here are disgusted at the party political circus that has rolled into town. I was wondering if we might not have a write-in candidate instead.
Thank you, my name is Feargal Mooney.
Who is responsible for that outrageous advertisement above? I might have called him a drunken, old ratbag, but we're certainly missing Ed's flashes of organisational ability around here.
Rumours of a merger with the much bigger Brent Cross Bugle sent Herald shares soaring when the schlock market opened today. Shares in the Brent Cross Bugle recovered slightly after vehement denials were issued by founder, Muzzy "Poorboy" Pirbhai. The Herald's "colourful" founder Eddie "Red" Woodward was unavailable for comment.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
The Liberals haven't got a single councillor in Brent East. Their candidate, Sarah Teather, is a councillor in Islington. At the last elections they got 5% of the vote. The Conservatives "have admitted they can't win." The Labour candidate "lives in Surrey" (according to the other candidates.) There is now an Independent candidate, member of the Labour party for 27 years, Harold Immanuel. He is a lawyer who "grew up in Brent and lives in Kilburn." He hopes to repeat our previous MP Mayor Ken Livingstone's success in getting elected as an Independent. Ref: www.democracy-for-brent-east.org.
Monday, September 01, 2003